A Thousand Burning Suns
by vickymmm
Summary: Victoria Mueller is a Muggle-born teenager who finds herself at Hogwarts. Harry Potter is struggling with his ultimate fate. What happens when they meet in this booze-fueled romp is nothing less than magical!
1. Prologue: in which we meet our heroes

_**Dedication**_

To Barbara Kingsolver – for inspiring the four of us to write a great story about the human condition from multiple viewpoints. From four masters to another, we salute you.

To J.B. – thank you so much for bringing the concept of haste into our lives. We don't know where we'd be without you. Besos. XOXO

To M.S. – the best English teacher anyone could ever ask for.

_**Prologue**_

_December 16, 2010_

_4:32 AM._

Victoria awoke with a start, clutching her heaving chest. Shaking, she climbed out of bed and walked to her window, where she gazed at the moon. Victoria gently leaned her forehead against the cool glass and closed her eyes, trying to remember the dream. She remembered a boy with green eyes, and the two of them running, fast, full of fear. She was sure the boy was not someone she knew. She had never met anyone with such brilliantly green eyes.

As Victoria reopened her eyes to stare at the moon, soft, silent tears ran unchecked down her cheeks. She turned to appraise the rest of the room: her small squeaky bed, her worktable and chair, and the small trunk where she kept her things. Victoria was grateful for her room at the orphanage, but she wished more than anything that someone, anyone, would love her.

She was tired, but Victoria would have to be awake and fixing breakfast in an hour anyway, so there would be no more sleeping tonight. Still sniffling, she dug her towel out of her trunk and went to the bathroom to prepare for the day. The hall and the bathroom were completely deserted. Victoria quickly disrobed and turned on a shower, letting the water warm her cold, frail body. She took a long shower, something she hadn't done in a long time. The showers did not have stalls or curtains, and Victoria had made a practice of taking quick showers when everyone had gone to bed and the hot water had run out. She didn't want anyone to see her naked.

_8:05 AM_

She was going to be late. Even at top speed Victoria knew she would not be able to make it to the bus stop in time. On her way out the door Victoria's boot hit a thick pile of mail, deposited on the mat under the mail slot. She had forgotten to check it yesterday. Yesterday. Victoria's heart jumped into her throat. Forgetting about the bus, she crouched on the floor and shifted eagerly through the pile. Victoria squealed with joy as her eyes alight on a letter from Colorado School of Mines. She ripped it open, eager to realize her acceptance.

_8:06 AM_

Dissolved in tears, Victoria wailed and threw herself on the floor. Her life was over. There was nothing left. Her hot tears feel from her face, landing on the thick stack of mail. Then, a glistening envelope beckoned to her with its waxy seal. Desperate, she reached out a shaking hand toward it. Intrigued by her name written in flowing cursive on the thick parchment, she grabbed it and ripped it open with the fury of a thousand burning suns.

**Dearest young, healthy, beautiful Victoria,**

**We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This letter was supposed to come when you turned eleven, but it got lost in the mail and we only just realized the mistake! We hope this finds you well and still eager to attend our fine institution.**

**We realize that this may conflict with your post-secondary options. However, this invitation is part of a special program we are beginning next school year (2011-12). As the wizarding world becomes more advanced and complex, we will need witches and wizards who are fully equipped to meet the challenges and battles of the times we live in.**

**Enclosed, you will find the list of required books, your room and board fees, and a list of witches and wizards who will be joining you in your study. We hope to see you this fall, fresh off the Hogwarts Express.**

**Sincerely,**

**Albus Dumbledore**

Victoria stopped crying. She had _always_ known that her Hogwarts letter had been lost in the mail! Her frown instantly turned into a smug, satisfied smile. Victoria's smile faded as she looked around the empty halls of the orphanage. Suddenly she realized she wanted – needed – out. Now. Immediately. She hastily pulled out her cell phone and called 411. "Yes, hello, this is me. I need to be connected to Hogwarts."

The operator was stunned, "Yes, ma'am, right away, ma'am."

"Hello, this is me, Albus Dumbledore."

"Hello, this is me, Victoria Mueller."

"Oh, haaaaaaaaaay! Are you calling to confirm your place in the class of 2015?"

"Fuck yes. But only under one condition. I come now."

"I will send a handsome young man to fetch you."

Just then, the doorbell rang. Victoria slammed her phone shut and wrenched open the door, ready to confront the young man she was sure would be less than satisfactory. He was, however, very satisfactory. When Victoria opened the door she was confronted with a pair of brilliantly green eyes that burned from within with the light of a thousand burning suns. Victoria's eyes turned to cartoon hearts and the music of violins swelled in the background.

"Hello, this is me, Harry Potter," he said to her, in a low, musical voice. Her ears perked up subconsciously – she had never heard a voice like this. As she gazed into his jewel-like eyes, she felt her face begin to turn a deep scarlet hue. Harry found this very attractive. "May I… come in?" he queried. Without even thinking, her head nodded up and down, her eyes never leaving his piercing gaze. He stepped gracefully through the door and approached her until they were only inches apart. Tentatively, Victoria placed her hands on his chest. "Oh… so that's the way you like to do it? Interesting…" Harry's voice trailed off. He tentatively brought his hand toward her hair and stroked it as she gave a deep, guttural moan.

"My bedroom is upstairs," she breathed in his ear.

"I don't think I can wait that long," he murmured. With a sharp intake of breath her hand on his chest clenched into a fist as she grabbed his shirt, pulling him into the kitchen. He unbuckled his belt as she undid her blouse, and they were on the table within seconds. "I've never done this before…" she whispered.

"I have. Don't be scared." Gently, he began to kiss his way down her neck. She groaned with pleasure as his lips trailed down her supple flesh. His hands caressed her bosom and arms grew tighter around his body. He slowly peeled off her clothes, exposing her sensitive skin to the frigid air. She responded with passion, directing her slender fingers down his pulsing body and tearing his shirt off with her teeth, an animal rabid with lust. She grabbed his hips and ground him against her. "Yes, yes, yes," he whispered in her ear. Victoria growled in response. Her desire for him brought her into a state of frenzy as she wildly grabbed at his luscious, black locks.

"Wait," he breathed, "I don't even know who you are."

"I'm Victoria, Victoria Mueller," she responded.

"Well, Victoria, it's time to go back to Hogwarts. I am your guide." He grabbed her hand and helped her to her feet. Harry offered Victoria her shirt and began to dress himself. Victoria noticed he had marks from her claws all down his back. She shivered at the memory of their encounter as she pulled on her torn clothes. After enduring so much of her life without a loving touch, she felt a bit disappointed that it had all ended so soon.

They finished dressing and walked side-by-side back into the hallway of the orphanage. She could still feel the heat of his body and she longed to touch him again. Her wish was granted when he pulled her into his arms and they apparated together to Hogwarts.


	2. Chapter 1: Victoria's POV

_**Chapter I**_

_**Victoria's Point of View**_

I've never been the adventurous sort. Even as a child, I preferred the world embedded in the pages of my favorite books to the world outside my door. I suppose I was adventurous, but only vicariously: buried in a book, I lived as my brave heroines did, as they picked up swords, slashed dragons, unbuttoned their tunics and pulled their writhing, muscled counterparts closer… Let me tell you, there's nothing like burying yourself in a good romance while with your friends in the school cafeteria, or reading the sauciest chapters while you're supposed to be paying attention in math class.

Something's always been missing, though. It's like in my soul, some abyss lies buried deep, my darkest thoughts, my darkest desires coiled there, unbeknownst to be but for that feeling of emptiness. I first felt that emptiness when I was six. I had never been a child who ran around outside, for fear of getting dirt on myself of course, but one day I steeled myself and stepped outside. A wide, clear world greeted me, surprised me with its clarity. I sat down quickly, for the brightness of it all had made me faint, and I summoned a stick over to me with my mind (a skill I had picked up sitting in my room hour after hour after hour). I still remember the feel of it in my hands, long and thick, smooth and sturdy. I stroked it, and it throbbed in response, pulsating happily in my fingers. I felt a corresponding thump in my heart, telling me, "this is how you should be. This is what happiness is." But I ignored it, and ran back into the safe cover of my house, condemned to feel for eleven years the absence of that magic.

When that boy, that beautiful boy, showed up at my house, with eyes as green as the forests I did not explore, that thumping filled me, that strange stroking feeling began again. And then his face on mine, his chest pinning me to the splintering table, his hands on my… and our eyes, mirroring each other, that vibrant green shot like a dart into mine. I knew then, in my soul, that I was a witch.

And then there I was, apparating from my life, my friends, my books, my family, my table suddenly much worse for the wear…. Suddenly we were in London, a world of theatre, art, dark alleys for dark deeds, the capital of western muggle culture. Harry smiled coyly and took my hand. I wrapped my fingers around his tightly, my new and immediate love for him making me wrap my muscles about him as tightly as I could, whenever I could.

"You were the first one invited to Hogwarts Post OWLS school, you know.," he said gently, "we just _had_ to have a witch of such intellect. Hermione will be jealous," he said with a wink. He enthralled me. His black, tousled hair, his crooked glasses, his jaunty swagger, that powerful pelvis. We were passing something large, long, impressive… Big Ben! But even famous monuments couldn't drag my eyes away from him, the sight of him was as intense as a thousand burning suns.

"Where're we going?" I asked, trying my best to be coy.

"Diagon Alley, of course! Unless you already have your cauldron and broomstick…?" He was kidding but my heart sped, faster and faster, like the timpani from my days in symphonic band. How long ago those simple days seemed… I followed him round a corner, through an alley or two, my eyes so fixed on his bouncing locks I could hardly keep my balance. Suddenly he stopped.

"We're here," he said, smizing at me. "You know what to do?" he asked.

"Wait, Harry," I asked, my heart in my throat, "there's something we have to do first." I realized then, I was calling the shots. I _never_ call the shots, except when it comes to the SAT when really I don't even need to call them in the first place because they are already mine.

"What's that?" he asked mischievously, backing me up against a wall.

"I think you know," I said, trying to flirt. Looking back, the rapid blinking of my eyelashes was perhaps not the sexiest thing I could have done.

"Why you little blast-ended skrewt…" he growled, and his lips went at mine with a fervor I had only known practicing my marimba. His teeth pulled on my earlobe, his fingers running through my hair, down my spine. I responded immediately, my face nuzzling his, my legs snaking around his torso, my fingers on the soft curve of his buttocks.

Sighing, I looked up as he tapped a pattern into the brick wall. The bricks tumbled away and a magical world opened up in front of me.

His dashing green eyes turned to me, and, smiling and satisfied, he said, "Welcome, Victoria, to Diagon Alley."


	3. Chapter 2: Hermione's POV

_**Chapter II**_

_**Herminone's Point of View**_

I don't know why I was in Diagon Alley that day – I didn't have any business there, and had I known what was going to transpire, I certainly wouldn't have gone. But it's too late to erase the meeting that started the whole mess.

So there I was, shuffling down Diagon Alley, with Ron's wand pressing against my thigh, when I noticed Harry and a mysterious witch standing in front of the Leaky Cauldron. "Who's that?" I whispered to Ron. They were staring deep into each other's eyes, like they were creating an Unbreakable Oath. The air sizzled with tension. My eyes narrowed to slits. "Get your wand off me," I spat, and I dragged Ron over with me to where that hasty little witch stood.

"Harry, could I have… a word with you?" I whispered dramatically, glaring at the blonde girl at his side. He could barely take his eyes off her. "Harry… please?" I took his arm and hastily paced down the street. Ron and the witch looked at each other for a moment.

"This isn't very satisfactory," I could hear her mumble.

"Why did you bring a Muggle here?" I pleaded. "You know the rules."

Harry's left eyebrow arched seductively.

My stomach churned. "So she's a witch? Is that it?"

"Yes," he said, in a sickeningly romantic tone. "And she's one of the brightest I've ever met!"

Oh, dear reader. This was the worst thing he could have said.

I tried to keep my composure. "Oh, so she's… bright?" I asked, trying to sound harmless. "Well, it can't hurt to have some more cleverness to help us defeat evil," I told him, fighting through my inner pain.

Harry, of course, was oblivious to the torment that this caused me. "Exactly! Dumbledore recruited her as part of this post-O…W…L..." He trailed off, unable to take his eyes away from her blonde locks, her rich blue eyes, her…

I rolled my eyes. "Well, good. We better get to Hogwarts soon, then," I snapped, and marched back to where she and Ron were waiting.

"I don't think we've been introduced yet," she said as I approached her. "My name is Victoria… Victoria Mueller," she added, extending her hand to reach mine.

I looked her up and down. Honestly, what did Harry see in her? Perhaps she was more charming once you got to know her. Or "know" her, as I could tell Harry had done. How disgusting. Some wizards just can't keep it in their robes.

"I'm Hermione Granger. Charmed, I'm sure," I replied, taking her hand and giving it a grasp of the intensity of a thousand burning suns.

"Right. I think we better find Platform 9 ¾, then," Harry decided, taking Victoria's hand in his and squeezing it.

I gave a small smile. I could tell this – whatever it was – wouldn't last once she saw the true horrors of the wizarding world: the damage the evil ones can inflict, the terror they can wreak on the innocent. And if I had to help her see this… well, I never said I was perfect.

"I didn't even know the Hogwarts Express ran year-round," Ron said as the four of us sat in a compartment. "Did you, Hermione?"

"Of course," I replied, but I was lying. It was a bit odd that we were coming in the middle of a school year, but anything for Harry and his new paramour. How was he going to be able to concentrate with thoughts of Victoria constantly running through his mind? Well, obviously, I was going to have to do most of the work, as usual. I sighed as I stared at them.

"Would you like to go somewhere a bit more… private?" Harry whispered in her ear. A shiver of desire ran down her spine. She nodded slowly and deliberately, opening her eyes to meet his. They clasped their hands together – his warm and moist, hers cold and dry – and walked down the hallway.

What were they doing together? Oh, I was about to find out.

"What could they be doing?" Ron asked me.

I looked into his eyes. Such a sweet soul that boy had. A bit dim, but I could overlook that. I stroked his chin gently. "I'll find out," I whispered, and I hastily exited the compartment.

I slowly walked down the hall of the train car, eyeing each compartment with suspicion. It would be obvious which one they were occupying, if my suspicions were true, but I remained cautious.

Suddenly, I heard them. Victoria moaned. Harry let out a high-pitched squeal. (It may have been the other way around, but I'm never wrong.) I saw a Gryffindor tie and a delicate blouse hung over the wall in between two compartments. I had found them.

I was about to enter when a familiar face bounded down the hallway. "Hey, Hermione!" he shouted as he ran by. Cormac McLaggen. We'll talk more about him later. Much more about him.

"Alohomora," I murmured, and I saw exactly what they were up to. Now, reader, I don't mean to alarm you, and I have tried (unsuccessfully) to forget exactly what I saw that snowy afternoon. Harry had pinned her against a wall. The two of them moved perfectly in sync, back and forth with a deliberate haste. To put it delicately, he had entered her chamber of secrets. That's all I want to say, okay?

"Well, well, well," I said menacingly.

The two of them didn't even notice.

I coughed. Nothing. I sneezed. Nothing. I rolled my eyes and let out a blood-curdling shriek.

Victoria finally noticed. "Um, Harry," she whispered.

Harry saw me and instantly covered his … with his hands. "Hermione? What are you doing here?"

"I think the more pertinent question is, what are _YOU_ doing here? Honestly, can't you wait until we at least got to Hogwarts? There are loads of places to do it there. Hundreds. And Ron and I could hear you all the way in our compartment, just so you know."

"We'd never done it on a train before," Harry said softly.

Victoria smiled. "It was quite satisfactory," she murmured.

"Well, that was both foul and horrifying," I snapped. I slammed the door behind me. I smiled a small smile to myself and walked down the corridor.


	4. Chapter 3: Harry's POV

_**Chapter III**_

_**Haryy's Point of View**_

I am a beautiful creature. This is common knowledge. It is also common knowledge that Draco Malfoy writes poems about my body. I don't mind, I write poems about my body too, for I am the world's more beautiful creature. No one who has ever seen me in all my glory has been able to deny this. Not even Voldemort himself. This is my best poem so far:

It seems that God has gifted me

And gifted women too,

By giving me this fine body,

That I can share with you.

If questioning my fine physique,

I'll have you first observe

The way my nimble fingers

Pleasure woman's every nerve

Your eyes will then settle upon

The beauty of my fine, fit arm

And with its strength is quickly gone

Any of your past alarm.

My shoulders, neck and chest are fine

But feast your eyes upon my spine

It arches, stretches, to and fro

Knows how to move to make you moan.

My nose protrudes so valiantly

my eyebrows must compete

in the end they tie because

my face knows no defeat

My eyes have drowned a girl or two

In their plunging wells of green,

They get bras off so quickly that

It's nearly quite obscene.

My legs are made of marble fine

In the shapeliest of curves

They wrap around you so sublime

I nearly haven't words.

My feet are, of course, gorgeous

But they're practical to boot,

They work faster than galleons

Getting you to touch my loot.

Finally you've reached my pelvis,

And you realized from the start

That the way quickest to your heart

Is through the thrusting part.

From there doth hang my penis,

Which the ladies all admire,

It may seem juicy now but wait

Til' I give it some fire!

The gasps and moans and ardent sighs

Are only the beginning

When I fill your lonely cavities

Your vision will be swimming

My back arched like a werewolf

Your fingers scratch with gnomish claws,

I ram it up inside of you

Breaking sev'ral wizarding laws.

When my butterbeer rushes forth

Like a doxie you'll be writhing

Heart fluttering arrhythmically

And eyes totally smizing.

My body likes an orgy more

It's flexible you see

But it itself's a miracle.

Wouldn't you just agree?

But along with great beauty comes great pain. You see, I have had an awful life. Everyone I have ever loved has died and I will die soon too. Don't worry, I'm not going to off myself, I am far too beautiful. But I know that I will die at the end of the war. That's why I fuck so many girls: I have to have enough sex for a lifetime in only a few short years. And yet, having fucked most of the girls at Hogwarts, I was still not satisfied. So I broadened my horizons. Now I am satisfied. Well, almost every night, at least.

This morning, I woke up in a bed with Padma and Lavender (a choice I am sure I would not have made sober, but there you have it). I am accustomed to waking up with two or three lovers in my bed (but usually they are better looking and we have another go). This morning, however, only one lover was on my mind.

Victoria Mueller.

I carefully climbed out of bed (so as not to wake my lady friends) and hurried to the shower. I attempted to clean myself in the hopes of impressing Victoria. I very much wanted to have sex with her again. The train… mmm. And perhaps I would try not to have so much casual sex with other women/men, because Hermione told me once that my gallivanting may turn off some women who would have a serious relationship with me. Did I want a serious relationship with Victoria Mueller? I was horrified. I had never felt this way about anyone before. I had never tried to impress anyone (apart from just being as beautiful as I naturally am), never purposely sought the same partner twice and absolutely never considered changing my womanizing ways to suit the fancy of another human! And here I was, in the shower, naked, touching myself, thinking these thoughts about Victoria Mueller.

After my shower, I dressed meticulously and went down to the Great Hall, determined to ask Victoria Mueller a question I had never asked before: would you like to go on a date with me? Unfortunately, I got distracted. And by Hermione of all people! She was standing by the fireplace in the common room, bent over, warming her hands when I realized: Hermione and I are such good friends, there's no reason why we couldn't have casual sex every so often. After reminding myself that no straight girl/gay man in his/her right mind would reject me, I approached her.

"Mmm, finally we're alone," sighed Hermione as she shut the door of my room, securely locked it with a wave of her wand and muttered an incantation to give us some extra privacy.

"Hermione, you know… we don't have to do anything…" I lied, trying my best to be a gentleman as I slid my arms around her waist. Hermione answered by snaking her arms around my neck and kissing me hard. We melted down onto my four-poster bed, and I rolled over on top of her. I know all the tricks. Soon Hermione's sweater and mine were joined on the floor by her bra and I began gently massaging her breasts and kissing her neck. Hermione moaned and arched her back, pressing her hips into the bulge in my pants. She gently moved her hands onto my chest, sliding them further and further down my torso. I glanced down to see what she was doing.

"You're belt buckle is bothering me," she smiled as she removed my pants. It wasn't long before hers were off too, and I started to get serious. I ran my hand up the inside of Hermione's thigh and found her squirming to get out of her moist panties. I obliged by pulling them off with my teeth and lightly fingering her wet center. I kissed her deeply and she moaned into my mouth, her wetness and noises increasing my arousal even more. Hermione gasped and clutched at my shoulders as I began circling her clitoris with my thumb. I moved one of my hands up to massage her breasts again, and with the other slipped two fingers inside of her. Hermione pressed her body even closer to mine and I quickened my motions. She moaned even more loudly and her body shuddered, muscles contracting, then she relaxed against the mattress.

"Mmm," she sighed after a moment, and then smiled wickedly. "Your turn." With that Hermione pushed me over onto my back and climbed on top, kissing me, my neck, my chest, her way down my torso. I felt like I was going to burst by the time Hermione pulled off my boxers and began to touch me. She teasingly ran her fingers up and down my shaft at first, then seductively licked her hand and wrapped it around my shaft. As she began to move her hand up and down, I moaned and sat up to pull her into another deep kiss. As our kiss intensified, Hermione thrust her tongue deep into my mouth and moved it slowly and seductively around mine, then pulled it out and bit my lower lip lightly. She moved her hand faster and faster. I moaned again at this and whispered, "Oh, yes..." against her lips. Hermione began to kiss my neck again as I moaned with pleasure at the feeling of her touch.

Then the door banged open. It was Victoria Mueller. "Mind if I join you?" she asked sweetly.


	5. Chapter 4: Ron's POV

_**Chapter IV**_

_**Ron's Point of View**_

As I sat in Great Hall eating breakfast alone, I started to wonder what exactly was going on. I usually come to breakfast with Harry but seeing as he was still asleep when I left, I decided Hermione and I needed to spend some time alone and left him behind. Her mysterious absence caught me off guard because she normally hurries to class right after breakfast in order to get some last minute studying done. When I saw that even Victoria Mueller was absent, I became a little unsettled. Thankfully the fresh pumpkin juice with my porridge served as a distraction!

My plate clean and my friends nowhere in sight, I clambered over the bench and started to make my way out of the hall when a startling discovery stopped me in my tracks. Harry and Hermione were walking side-by-side into the Great Hall, their robes disheveled and their hair messy, giggling and whispering flirtatiously. A few paces behind them was Victoria Mueller, watching jealously as she primped her impeccably coiffed hair and smoothed out her tight-fitting Gryffindor uniform. A jealousy as hot as a thousand burning suns bubbled up inside me as I realized what had happened.

When Hermione finally saw me watching her, she quickly tucked in her shirt and tried to tame her wild hair as she approached me quickly. "Ron!" she exclaimed, "There you are! Harry and I have been looking for you—"

"Oh, save it, all right?" I brushed past her and almost crashed into Harry as I made my hasty exit. I looked him up and down as he gave me a cheeky smile. I could have punched his gleaming teeth in.

"Sorry, mate. If I would have known you were down here—"

"You know what, Harry? I'm not going to cause a scene here in front of all our mates, but just know that this isn't over." He briefly looked sheepish but soon his confident smile returned and he attempted to look innocent. Shrugging, he sat down at the table and motioned for Hermione to take the place next to him. She turned to me, a look of uncertainty passing on her face before she took her seat and reached for the jug of pumpkin juice. On my way out, I happened to glance at Victoria, who was gazing at me with her mouth slightly open and a look of lust on her face. As I passed her, her graceful fingers, calloused after her years of timpani practice that she wouldn't shut up about on the train, grazed my arm. I could feel her eyes on my back as I walked out of the room and up the marble staircase to the Gryffindor common room. I needed to get even with Harry—but how? I remembered his encounter with Victoria on the train and pictured the looks they gave each other. There was obviously something meaningful going on between them. Suddenly, it dawned on me: to get back at Harry, I needed to seduce Victoria Mueller!

Our first class was potions—what a welcome back, right? I peered inside the window to see if anyone had arrived and sure enough, Victoria Mueller was sitting by herself with her cauldron, feverishly paging through "Advanced Potion-Making." I ran my fingers through my hair and swaggered into the room. She looked up to see who was there and then looked down quickly, her face turning beet red. "Is this seat taken?" I asked, pointing to the stool next to her. She looked up at me and I raised one eyebrow and smiled crookedly. Her eyes darted down "No, go ahead!" I smiled to myself and sat down, pulling the stool closer to her. "So," I said in a low whisper, "have you seen anything _of interest_ at Hogwarts so far?" I brushed a loose lock of golden hair behind her ear and she shivered.

Victoria turned her body towards me and whispered, "Yes, I think I have." I felt her warm breath on my ear and I quickly put my hand on her thigh, rubbing it back and forth slowly. She grabbed my hand and pulled it farther up her body until it reached her breast. Suddenly, the door burst open and our classmates started streaming in. "After class…" Victoria whispered as she gave me a lustful look and she bit my ear. Seducing her had been surprisingly easy.

Hermione and Harry walked in together and both stopped short when they saw I was sitting with Victoria. To my intense pleasure, Hermione looked a little hurt and Harry looked a bit as if he wanted to strangle me. My satisfaction grew as I realized my plan was working. Soon, Snape came in and told everyone to get out quills and parchment for note taking. While he lectured, I saw Victoria squirming as if nothing would give her more pleasure than to climb on top of me and I smiled smugly. After what seemed an interminable length, the class finished and Victoria almost knocked over her full cauldron in her haste to clean up. She grabbed the collar of my shirt and we hurried out the back exit, leaving a fuming Harry and Hermione behind in the dungeons.

Once we found an empty hallway, Victoria threw herself at me and we started snogging. I turned to the wall and pushed her into it, grabbing her cheek and pulling her mouth roughly toward me. I tore off her robes and pushed my other hand under her shirt, touching supple skin of her back. She gasped and grabbed at my hair, wrapping one of her legs around my torso and pushing her body into mine. I kissed her neck and stuck my hand down the neck of her shirt and under her lacy black bra. She stuck her tongue in my ear moaned with pleasure, tearing open my shirt and clawing at my chest.

"Yes, yes!" she groaned as her hand reached my neck and she kissed me intensely. She reached for my belt buckle and started to undo the clasp when we heard a large class let out just around the corner. We grabbed at our clothes and tried to look presentable when herds of students started approaching. Victoria turned beat red and looked up at me with a shy smile, twirling her hair around her finger. Yes, I had her right where I wanted her; Harry wouldn't see it coming.


	6. Chapter 5: Victoria's POV

_**Chapter V**_

_**Victoria's Point of View**_

My favorite book in the world, behind the secret copy of Well-Hung Greyhounds I keep under my bed, has always been Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens. The story of salvation – from orphan to thief to bourgeoisie – lifted my spirits when times were hard. Before the accident, the story was fanciful, tragic, and hopeful, and, though lacking oh-baby time, every reading truly filled me with pleasure. After the accident, though, it was the only thing it my life that truly gave me hope.

I still remember the screeching metal, the smell of burning tires, the mysterious green light that hung in the air like fog rolling off a marsh. I lost consciousness and awoke, painfully, to the medic lifting my tiny, seven-year-old frame into the back of an ambulance. "It'll be okay," the dashing young man said, "just hold my hand." I took hold of the soft paw and squeezed it, afraid and in pain. I began to feel heavy, a buzz filled my ears, and slowly the world backed away…

I awoke groggily in a sanitized bed in the children's ward of the local hospital. Through the haze of drugs and confusion, I saw two figures standing beyond the closed curtain surrounding me, their profiles illuminated in the sterile fluorescent light. "It doesn't make sense!" the larger figure shouted, her voice low yet feminine, firm and unyielding, "there were several slight lacerations and stress wounds typical to the accident they were in, but nothing at all life threatening. We've been working on this for three days, three days! We can't figure it out!" Had I really been out for three whole days? I sat up, wincing at the pain pulsing through my joints. How were my parents? What actually happened?

"Could it have been an aneurism? A heart attack? Poison?" the second figure asked, small and slight, he seemed to shrink under the presence of the larger lady.

"Aneurisms and heart attacks at the very same time? In two otherwise healthy adults? The autopsy reports are simply baffling: Nothing at all that we know of could have killed them both simultaneously. It's a miracle, the very worst sort." She sighed, backing off a little, obviously distressed.

"…So who has to tell her?" asked the man, his voice tinged with the sorrow of someone who has often been the deliverer of bad news himself.

"I'll do it," she said, "it's the least I could do, having known her parents for so long." She reached for the curtainous womb protecting me, and blackness yet again enveloped me.

Though I missed my parents dearly, life at the orphanage wasn't bad. It was just dull. Old toys with strange stains, old books missing pages, old beds with heinous squeaks… When our parents died or abandoned us, we were left to tend to the dead and abandoned of the world. We nursed teddy bears missing eyes, we rewrote pages missing in books, we bounced on the springs til they seemed to sing. But I knew, I always knew, the one thing I was missing was love.

Embarrassment burned in me with the heat of a thousand burning suns as the first years approached, naïve as to what sort of situation they had caught us in. "I supposed we should get to herbology," said Ron slyly, as he took my hand and led me up the corridor. My thoughts raced: I loved Harry, his deep green eyes, his inviting smile, his sizeable member, but Ron began to appeal to me, no matter how I tried to fight it. His wavy red hair sensually shone in the light of the torches, his soft, freckled skin curled around a distinguished chin, his pelvis swayed at every step with the swagger of an auror, someone trained and highly capable in wand-work. Up and down stairways, through corridors and out into the courtyard he led me. I followed him transfixed, the more I gazed at him the farther away Harry seemed to be. "I bet he'd let me finish properly," the deep, dark corner of my mind muttered.

We arrived at the greenhouse and though the lesson was fascinating, I couldn't help but glance at Ron every now and then, only to see him staring adoringly at Hermione. Was my moment lost? Would I never be able to strip him of his robes, lather him with oil of gillyweed and feel the penetration of his freckled number? I needn't have worried. As soon as class was dismissed, he slid his hand to the small of my back and whispered into my ear, "Come with me." He grabbed my hand and led me to the center of the room, to a large table covered with plants of all sorts, used for demonstrations of a biological sort.

"Oy, Neville!" he cried, "Victoria hasn't had her first proper Hogwarts welcome yet!" Hermione glared at Ron as she left, her hair bristling into an even bushier state. Had hormones not been rushing through me, I might've tried to see what was up with her, but at that moment I was certainly not thinking with my brain. Or my heart.

"What exactly does that mean?" I asked eagerly.

"Don't worry, Victoria," said Neville, "you'll pick it up fast." As the final student left the room, Neville approached me, with a determined gait and a glint in his eye. I felt his supple hands on my buttocks, his moist lips moving in rhythm with mine. I felt his fingers curl up around my shirt and drag it over my heaving body. He backed me up slowly, til I rested against the demonstration table. He broke our kiss to sweep some potted wolfsbane plants off the table, sending them crashing to the ground. I jumped onto the table and he clambered after me. I lay on my back and he crawled on top of me, passionately kissing my bare stomach. As I unzipped his pants, he grabbed his wand, slid off his briefs and muttered "extendicus viagrus," inciting his small yet dignified soldier to stand to attention. Tangled together totally bare, he embraced me as he entered the hippogriff cave. Together we moved, thrusting as my ankles dug into his back, my nails clawed at his arms, and his fingers tangled my hair. With one final thrust we finished, and he smiled as he rolled off.

"My turn," said Ron, as he, entirely in the buff, clambered onto the table.

"I don't know that I can," I said, tired yet content.

"You obviously don't know what the female body is capable of," he chuckled. Inspired, I climbed on top of him, quidditch style.

"Why don't I show you?" I said, as saucily as I could muster. As I rode him, he bucked under me like a dragon with his sizeable and firm man-muscle. Gasping he sat up and embraced me as we pushed together one last time, and I screamed, "Some! Some! Sooooome!"

With exhaustion I crawled to my clothes and Neville dressed me, kissing all over my supple skin in the process. He whispered into my ear, "Some?"

"I finally got it," I sighed, grabbing my book bag.

"Just wait til you see what we can do with four," said Ron. As Neville approached him and they began to entwine, I left, looking back only to see their gyrations on the demonstration table. I thought to myself, this year will be amazing.


	7. Chapter 6: Hermione's POV

_**Chapter VI**_

_**Hermione's Point of View**_

Ever since the night I shared with Harry and Victoria, something had been missing in my everyday life. What exactly it was, I wasn't sure, but I was aware of it constantly. During potions class, my mind wandered in and out of the room, rarely focusing on the task we were given. In between classes, I shuffled in the corridors instead of the breakneck pace I favored in the past. Even curling up with "Hogwarts: A History" late at night didn't give me as much pleasure as before. Yes, something was wrong. And I intended to get to the bottom of it.

The morning after Victoria "got some" (what a vile expression) with Ron and Neville, I briskly walked into the Great Hall for breakfast. Only pausing to pick up a grapefruit from the table, I slipped a note to Ron and walked out again. I instructed him to meet me in his bedchambers in half an hour – well before any classes started today. My mind was racing as I half-jogged back to the Gryffindor common room. Would my plan work? Only time would tell.

By the time Ron arrived, I was nervously fidgeting with my robes, looking at the floor and drumming my fingers on his nightstand. "What is this about?" he asked with a curious expression on his face.

"Well… ever since Victoria got here, things haven't quite been the same between us," I began. I looked out the window. How would I phrase this? "So I was wondering if—if _everything_ changed. Maybe it's just me—"

As I said this last part, Ron walked over to me and put his index finger over my lips. "I know where you're going with this," he whispered. He gave me a small smile as he stared deep into my eyes.

"Good," I shouted, and ripped off my clothes in one fell swoop. I pushed him onto the bed, laughing as his head hit the pillow. He fumbled around with his robes for a moment before I ripped them off with my teeth – one of the many moves I'd learn from Victoria.

He began taking off his underthings as I licked his neck. He began moaning preemptively, something that both puzzled and pleased me. I made my way down his torso before I yanked off the last of his undergarments. My hands made their way around his back until I grasped his buttocks—lithe, nimble, full of energy. I hoisted his pelvis into mine, and we went at it. But even in the opening moments of our intercourse, something was off. As pleasurable as it was, there was a certain ingredient our little romp lacked. Ron seemed to feel the same way, and it was over as soon as it began.

As he prepared to finish, my eyes rolled into the back of my head, as they tend to do when I'm on top. They sprung back and they opened with a start. Through the open window, I saw Professor McGonagall staring up at us, her jaw slack, and her eyes as big as Hagrid's.

"That's very irresponsible," she shouted up as she picked up the books she'd dropped in surprise.

"That sounds like something Victoria would say," I murmured as I packed up my things and raced down the stairs. I heard Ron's last cry before he thumped down the stairs behind me.

In order to truly test my hypothesis, I decided to pick a new conquest. But who would it be? Then I remembered a classmate who'd had his eye on me for quite a while. I thought of him for the entirety of my Ancient Runes seminar, doodling his name in the margins of my textbook and sighing at the thought of him. As class let out, I tore out of the room and looked out the spire of the astronomy tower. Spotting him in a courtyard, I ran down the stairs, walked up to him and pulled him aside.

"Let's fornicate," I told him.

"Alright," Cormac McLaggen replied.

We made plans to meet on the roof of the herbology greenhouse that night. Hours later, I made my way there, anxious but determined. I only stood there a few moments before I saw him. He was carrying a bottle and two shot glasses, dressed only in boxer shorts, a scarf and socks.

"So, what did you have in mind?" Cormac said slowly, pausing to uncork the bottle and pour two shots.

"Just, you know, the usual," I replied hastily. "Talking sort of kills the mood for me, so I think—"

"Wait," he interrupted. "Let's drink first." He handed one of the glasses to me.

I stared at it for a moment. "What is this?"

"Tequila," he answered.

_Might as well try it_, I thought, and I downed it in one gulp. He did the same. I tossed the glasses over my shoulder and met his eyes with mine.

"Let's do this, then, Granger," he said, and sent his undershorts flying.

We lowered ourselves onto the glass roof. He inserted himself in me, and we found our rhythm quite quickly. I grabbed his curly locks into my fist and whispered into his ear. "Harder," I moaned. "Deeper." He did his best, but he couldn't impress me. He seemed to be enjoying himself, though—grunting, moaning, gasping, even shrieking like a banshee at one point.

As we neared the end, I began to think of what prompted this exploration in the first place. Fearing my hypothesis was correct, my mind turned back to Cormac. As he finished, I gasped and shivered, making my hair stand on end. Perhaps Cormac really was what I was looking for, but I couldn't be sure. For now, I knew what I needed. I thanked him, told him we'd be in touch, and arranged to send an owl to Harry's window. We would meet at midnight.

Harry swaggered in the door of the Three Broomsticks, looking around for me. I forced myself not to roll my eyes as I waved him over to the end of the bar, where I sat nursing a hot butterbeer. He ordered one and then locked eyes with me.

"So, what did you want to talk about?" he asked, his voice dripping with self-satisfaction. I was really beginning to detest him outside of the bedroom.

"It's Victoria," I sputtered. "She's the missing ingredient."

He seemed to know exactly what I meant, for he broke out into a smirk and replied, "I have the perfect plan for tomorrow night."

"Ron's part of it, right?" I whispered.

He nodded slowly. I stroked his cheek and he began to tell me the details…


	8. Chapter 7: The Unnamable

_**Chapter VII: The Unnamable **_

His sweat mingled with chocolate sauce and whipping cream, Harry, exhausted and sore from the night's shenanigans, crawled on his hands and knees to the shower. Unable to muster the strength to reach up and turn the shower on, he collapsed and the floor and let his mind wander back to the broom cupboard on the fourth floor…

Ever since he had met Victoria, he had been thinking about new ways to entertain her and last week he had finally formed the master plan. He had shared the plan with Ron, who had agreed to participate, but for maximum satisfaction they both knew a fourth would be needed: another girl. And then last night, just as he was about to give up, Hermione had called him to the Three Broomsticks and solicited his services. The fearsome foursome: Harry, Ron, Hermione and Victoria. A legend was about to be born, Harry could feel it.

That morning, Harry had awoken and begun his usual routine. He sat up bolt upright at the crack of dawn, pausing to admire his reflection in the oversized mirror across from his bed. As the sun flittered through the curtains and cast shadows across the room, the world's most beautiful creature disrobed. He admired himself, in all his glory, the mirror before entering the bathroom and preparing a hot shower. He jumped with the full force of his body into the stream of water, letting it run in miniature rivers from his head to his … toes. Then he took care of his business. Massaging himself gently, he closed his eyes as they rolled to the back of his head. He was definitely looking forward to the afternoon rendezvous. His mind filled with thoughts of the four of them intertwined.

After a long, fulfilling shower he toweled off and dressed himself in his favorite outfit, the one that was easiest to take off. After admiring himself once more, and taking time to adjust his hair ever so slightly, he walked with a spring in his step into the corridor. The first person he saw was Victoria Mueller; she looked beautiful in the morning light. He took in the full effect of her beauty: her pale golden hair, her deep blue eyes, her delicate lips slowly curling into a smile. Resisting the urge to make love to her right there in the hallway, Harry simply smiled and dropped a note down her shirt. It read:

_I have a proposition for you: it involves pie cream, a pineapple towel and a shoe. Meet me in the fourth floor broom cupboard at 2:00pm. Bring a timpani._

His smirk and arched eyebrow lingered in her vision like a thousand burning suns as he brushed past her down the hall, smelling of smoldering plastic and leaves after a storm. Fully aroused, Victoria stood, rooted to the spot, unable to move. His scent paralyzed her.

Harry entered the Great Hall, and strutted over where Ron and Hermione were sitting. With his mouth full, Ron called out, "Harry, I'm eating eggs again! Do you know what this means?"

"I know it means this conversation is disgusting," he replied, as he helped himself to some porridge. "You two remember the specifics of our plan?"

Ron and Hermione nodded, swallowing slowly. "Yeah…but…are you sure this is gonna work?" Ron queried, more than a little uncertain.

Hermione nudged him in the ribs and Ron choked on his eggs. "Of COURSE it'll work," she hissed, "it has to…" This proclamation was followed by silence, and the trio finished their breakfast deep in thought about the day's coming adventure.

At 1:25, Victoria was outside the fourth floor broom cupboard, waiting. It was in her nature to be early simply because she had been brought up that way, but in this case, her eagerness blotted out all other thoughts. Curiosity, fear, and deep, deep desire coursed through her veins in anticipation. She paced the hallways and stretched, preparing herself mentally and physically. At 1:45, she could wait no longer. She tuned the timpani.

At promptly 1:55, Harry sauntered around the corner. Unaccustomed to being so early, his usual blithe composure was slightly marred, but nonetheless, he met Victoria's eyes with silent fervor. She gasped and smacked the timpani as hard as she could. The sound of the middle C filled the corridor as they stared deep into each other's eyes.

At 2:01, just as Victoria was beginning to get fidgety, Ron and Hermione appeared. There was a long pause; eyes shifted from one face to the next.

"Well?" Hermione questioned, as she peeled off her shirt.

"Well, you're late!" screeched Victoria, as she fell to the floor and writhed with desire. Appalled, Harry did the only thing he could think of to do: he grabbed Victoria's squirming body and proceeded to rip her clothes off.

"Um…" Ron attempted to interject, "don't you think we ought to find somewhere a bit more…secluded for our forthcoming festivities?" Victoria let out a feral grunt and began to crawl on her hands and knees to the nearest broom cupboard. Harry was right behind her, as always.

Ron ran after them. "Wait for me! I have the pie cream!" He stumbled forward in an attempt to catch up, but he tripped over Mrs. Norris (wasn't she always at the right place at the right time), and the pie cream flew into the air. The cream was launched at a 36-degree angle at an initial velocity of 11.3 meters per second. If the pie cream traveled 12 feet before smashing into the side of Victoria's face, how long was the pie cream in the air? (Extra Credit: If they had been in space, how long would the pie cream have been in the air and what shape would it have taken during flight?)

Regardless, the pie cream smashed Victoria in the face and began to slide down her naked, moist body. "Oh, well then," Ron muttered as he began to lick it from her breasts. "Hurry up you two," he called to Harry and Hermione, "we can't let this Grade A cream go to waste!"

"Gladly," Hermione wailed, nimbly whipping a bottle of chocolate sauce from her back pocket. And with that the fearsome foursome commenced in full force.

Regina Flector Wins the Science Fair, a 10-minute play with results and conclusions by Marco Ramirez:

1. Question: Is a foursome physically possible if:

All four players are engaged at the same time.

Man 1 and woman 1 assume face each other and prepare for sexual intercourse.

Man 2 takes his position behind Man 1 and prepares for sexual intercourse.

Woman 2 takes her position behind Woman 1 and prepares for sexual intercourse.

Both penises and both vaginas must all be utilized at the same time. Always.

2. Materials:

One bottle of Hersey's chocolate sauce

One can of Reddi Wip

4 bottles of the highest quality Russian vodka

A sombrero

A pair of hoop earrings

Cheese (four wheels, aged and pungent)

Tea bags

Alex Isaac (in thought only)

Jimmy Fallon (in thought only)

Blow dryer

_Un codo_

"YES!"

Lubrication

Sensual music

Wands of various sizes

Incense

4 timpani drums, with an array of hard and soft mallets

Ripe pears plucked from the nearest pear tree

_Bangala_

Photographs of cute kittens with humorous captions

Chobani Greek Yogurt of various flavors

A vial of virginal blood

Copies of episodes of "Off the Map" and "The Good Wife"

Yellow legal pads and ballpoint pens

Graphing calculators (silver edition)

An imagined trip to the Guthrie with an English teacher

A folded-up/discarded copy of "Antiphon" sheet music

Materials to assemble tacos and burritos

Bagels with an assorted spread of cream cheeses

Rose petals

A wig with a thick braid of hair resembling a rope/a phallic symbol

3. Hypothesis: Yes, and with ease.

4. Procedure:

Assign Man 1, 2, Woman 1, 2

Find the best way to test your hypothesis and write your conclusion

5. Data and Conclusions

After assembling the materials and assuming the position, our four young heroes considered the hypothesis. Was what they were about to attempt physically possible? The future of science hung in the balance. This was their sputnik moment.


	9. Chapter 8: Ron's POV

_**Chapter VIII**_

_**Ron's Point of View**_

I woke up with a gasp and flung my arms wildly, trying to grab onto something solid for support. Catching my breath, I looked around and found myself in a dimly lit room. When I tried to sit up and get a better look, I discovered I was stark naked and covered in a dark, sticky substance. Moving my hand around myself, I finally came upon an object with a wand-like shape.

"Lumos," I groaned. Instantly, the tip of my wand illuminated and I took in my surroundings. I was in a relatively small broom closet surrounded by a sombrero, a broken bottle of vodka, some torn sheets of paper and a timpani mallet. "What the…" I whispered. "What happened here last night?"

Attempting once more to sit up, I unclenched my left fist, which I discovered was full of a clump of bushy brown hairs. I finally regained my balance and stood up, only to sink back down again when I felt my head begin to pound and my calf muscles cramp up. I massaged my calves and looked around for my missing clothes. Eventually, I came across what appeared to be a Gryffindor cloak and wrapped myself in it, slowly opening the closet door.

I stepped delicately through the pile of even more rubbish on the floor outside and quickly made my way toward the Gryffindor dorms, hoping I wouldn't run into anyone on the road to safety. "I bloody well wish I could apparate at a time like this," I grumbled to myself as I clambered up the moving staircase with as little noise as I could muster. On the final step, I came across a pair of "Chudley Cannons" boxer shorts and a shredded shirt with the Gryffindor insignia on the front.

"My knickers," I exclaimed. I quickly pulled them on and sprinted toward the Gryffindor chambers, outside of which the rest of my clothes were strewn. Once inside, I ran through the common room and up to my dorm, where I found Harry's bed empty. I stopped in my tracks as a hazy memory came flooding back—

_Several pairs of limbs entwined around my body and someone's sweat found its way into my mouth. I felt the tip of a tongue tracing my stomach and looked down to see Hermione sensually licking the curves of my body. I grabbed the back of her head and brought her lips to mine, rolling my tongue along the inside of her mouth. Suddenly, I heard a screech and looked up to see Victoria, whose leg was wrapped around mine, moving up and down in sync with Harry. The faster they moved, the louder she hit her timpani head until all I could hear was a ringing middle C, perfectly in tune…_

The memory was so vivid, yet meaningless. When did this… event, for lack of a better word, occur? I came to the conclusion that any detective work on my part could wait until after a long shower and dragged my sore body over to the Gryffindor bath chambers. When I opened the door, who should walk out but Harry, sparklingly clean and wearing only a towel. "Harry," I whispered desperately, grabbing onto his shoulders with all the strength I could muster. "Are you having any… strange memories about some sort of gathering last night? I woke up in the fourth floor broom closet covered in this stuff." I motioned down to my sticky body.

"I don't know what you're talking about…" Harry responded evasively. He avoided my gaze and sauntered off quickly. I stared at his muscular back in frustration before limping into the shower for a long scrub.

I walked into the great hall for breakfast, shielding my eyes from the seemingly blinding light shining in through the floor-to-ceiling windows, as though a thousand burning suns were poring onto me. I spotted Hermione a short distance down the Gryffindor row and plopped down next to her. My entrance woke her up from her sleepy stupor and when she looked at me, I could see huge bags under her eyes. "Ron!" she exclaimed and turned her gaze away from me in apparent embarrassment. "How… are you this morning?"

"I've been better, thanks. Say, Hermione. Do you remember anything out of the ordinary going on last night? I'm remembering the strangest things." I looked at her expectantly as she looked at me in surprise and then quickly looked away. "Er…" she seemed unsure about what to say. "I—I'm not sure what you mean. Look, Ron, I'd love to talk but I have a huge Ancient Runes exam this afternoon and I really need to study. I'll see you later, okay?" She clambered off of the bench walked quickly out of the great hall, trying to pat down her wild hair—

_Body on top of body on top of body—four highly titillated beings pressed one on top of another, all moving in sync. Victoria wrapped her arms even more tightly around my chest and wildly pressed her lips to my color bone, groaning loudly in pleasure. I pressed my face into her chest and licked the rest of the Reddi Whip off her breasts. My lips made their way up to hers and she grabbed the back of my head in a frenzy of lust, bringing my lips to hers. She tasted of an unexpected combination of chocolate and aged cheddar cheese that was slightly intoxicating. I moved my hand to her lower back and brought my lips to her neck, licking off a few drops of vodka as I kissed her gently…_

I shook my head quickly as if to shake out the image through my ears. What was happening to me? I climbed into the shower and after the blast of warm water hit my face, I felt a little better. I scrubbed myself clean of the mysterious substance and made my way back to my dormitory, where I changed into my Hogwarts uniform. I gazed at myself in the mirror and sighed, preparing myself for the day ahead. The only participant in my odd memories I had yet to speak to was Victoria and considering her past history with this subject matter, she will not be much help.

At the foot of the stairs leading into the Gryffindor Common room, I spotted Victoria slowly walking up to her dorm. Her skin resembled that of a Mackled Malaclaw's and her hair was knotted wildly. Her clothes were completely torn and her bright red lipstick was rubbed messily so that it covered her entire right cheek. She groaned and lifted herself onto the first step before she noticed me. She looked into my eyes for three seconds before she realized who I was; upon her realization, she gasped so loudly it was almost a shriek and sprinted into her room, slamming the door forcefully behind her.

It was then that I remembered the plan. I gasped and felt myself sink down onto the stairs as the memories of the hours leading up to… the unnamable… came flooding back. "Blimey, what were we thinking?" I asked myself. I didn't think I would ever understand.


	10. Chapter 9: Victoria's POV

_**Chapter IX**_

_**Victoria's Point of View**_

Victoria woke up slowly, her head pounding. She remembered nothing from the night before. Buh-boom, buh-boom, her head throbbed. "Like a timpani..." she thought, "pumping, pounding... wait. Timpani...!." She sat up with the shock of remembrance. The sticky friction of skin sliding over chocolate covered skin, the dull thud of pelvis against timpani, Hermione's delicate hands snaking down... Snaking where? Victoria shut her eyes and thought as hard as she could, squeezing her eyes and curling her toes, thrusting for answers and coming up against a very, very hard wall. "I need to know!" she cried, as she lurched off the ground, pulling her naked, sticky frame up using a nearby tapestry, "what happened with Hermione? What have I done?"

New to the orphanage, young and supple, Victoria didn't know how to express her sorrow, nor with whom to trust it. Alone, afraid, young Victoria would hide in the woods behind the orphanage, escaping from her sad predicament for a few happy hours. One day, her daily explorations were interrupted by a strange, twitchy, tall young man. Dressed in a purple robe and turban, he was pacing violently, muttering to himself, "A doni të vallzoni? Shërim të shpejtë!," when he suddenly caught sight of her. He cocked his head, a saucy smile playing at his lips, as he came towards to tender young girl and asked, "Gëzuar Krishtlindjet e Vitin e Ri? Zjarr!"

Victoria backed away fearfully and told him, "I'm sorry, I can only say one phrase in Albanian, moje vozilo na zra..."

He cut her off, "Twit, that's Slovenian. Slovenian is for citizens only!" He glared at her but, upon looking at her trembling lip and round blue eyes, softened, "Perhaps you just need a tutor... someone who will teach you the ways of the Lord... the dark Lord..."

Stumbling towards the dormitories, naked save one limp nipple tassel, Victoria glared at every first year stupid enough to star. "Unforgiveable curses my ass," she muttered as she passed Colin Creevey, gripping her thick, supple wand so tightly her knuckled whitened. When she finally reached her dormitory, she collapsed upon her bed, stretching luxuriously on the bedspread, letting her fingers explore the sticky expanses of her skin. A sudden crunch alerted her to the presence of a note underneath her, a note which, in much too neat writing, said, "Victoria, we need to talk. About last night. Oh the sass. - Hermione." "What happened?" wondered Victoria, "I just need to remember..."

"You're brilliant!" he shouted, "I've never had a student who could memorize the geography of Albania so swiftly. Never!" Victoria smiled, still catching her breath in great heaves from the exam. A giant map of Albania was stenciled in the dirt, and her markings of the capital, largest cities, rivers and important instances of Dark-Lordship were scattered about it. The feeling she'd had from completing the exam, and receiving full marks, had climbed and climbed towards something she hadn't experienced before.

"Thanks professor Quirrell," she said, still shaking from the excitement.

"There's just on thing," he said as he began pacing, stroking his chin and toying with his turban, "You seem to have built up a wall, preventing yourself from accessing your emotions. But I have a secret: you can overcome your emotions with poetry!"

"Poetry! But I hate poetry!" she scowled.

"It's the way your parents raised you, I know, but you must embrace it, little toad." He smiled smugly and then gestured to his lower half, "Now really, do you like my pants?"

With a profound gasp, Victoria realized what she had to do. She took a deep breath, and began:

There once was a girl named Caro

Who felt best entirely bare-o

But last night she found

She was quite aroused

By a girl with big bushy hair-o

Suddenly memories began flooding back. Hermione, beautiful Hermione, slender, tender Hermione. She remembered crawling out of the timpani, running hand in hand with the beautiful, sticky figure to... to where?

The two girls ran, hand in hand

Towards the house elves' quarters

Inside they found, all around

Beds with frames much shorter.

A bed quite small, for girls quite tall

Didn't matter in the least

A bed frame shakes, a bed frame breaks

Under two heaving beasts.

Victoria felt a heat spreading through her abdomen, like the burn felt after a great swig of vodka. "Is this... is this love?" Victoria wondered.

Two bodies, becoming one

Fingers sliding down, farther, farther

Sticky sweet femininity on her fingers

Hermione gasped

They roll, broken bed frame beneath

Hermione's fingers, inching down

Arching backs, writhing legs

House-elf acapella choir

"Farther, let's go farther" whispers Hermione

Into Victoria's willing ear

They kiss, tongues caressing

Thighs meet lips

Together, union of mouth and nerve

Arms pulling bodies with iron strenght

Shudders, moans, tongues tasting female passion

"Tetilla! Tetilla! Tetilla! Mi amorcita, tetilla!"

Trembling, aching Victoria remembered. She remembered everything. She thought of Harry, how much he meant to her, how much she wanted him. Confusion filled her. She got up, stood before her mirror and looked at herself. "I want Harry. I need Harry. Last night was just...

I need flesh of man

Long and thick, pulsing meat

Fulfilling desire

Proud, arrogant, strong

Pelvis thrusting, hips of steel

Thousand burning suns

Confusion and doubt

Awakening in my thighs

Frizzy-haired pleasure

Hero of house elves

Face nuzzling soft nest of lust

Entonces, ¿es amor?"


	11. Chapter 10: Hermione's POV

_**Chapter X**_

_**Hermione's Point of View**_

I awoke at 8:00 sharp when my eyes burst open. I frantically took in my surroundings. I was on the Quidditch Field, face down in the mud. When my eyes opened, they instantly filled with mud – I opened my lids and shook them out as best I could. I slowly lifted my head, but it was too much for my feeble neck. I heard the calls of birds softly from the distance.

"Shut up," I grunted as I began to crawl. Drawing upon all my inner haste, I stood up, swinging my wand proudly in front of me. With my wand stiff and quivering with my anticipation in my hand, I killed the birds swiftly and began to strut towards their twitching corpses. I grasped them by their tails and held them up to the morning sun.

_Excellent_, I muttered to myself, and began to skin them. I took great satisfaction in ripping the skin from their supple flesh. I slowly ripped the wings apart, separating the joints from the body. I heard the crack of cartilage and let loose a small squeal. Hearing the snap of the sinew made my heart beat faster, gave me new life, flushed me with excitement. As a warm feeling spread throughout my body, I plucked the feathers from each skin and began to weave a headdress. Crunching on the body of the first bird, the blood from its raw meat dribbling down my chin, I worked tirelessly on my headdress. It became more elaborate and colorful after each bird's feathers were added. I howled with delight upon its completion. But I needed more feathers.

Hungry for blood, I roamed the campus of Hogwarts, dressed only in caked mud and my feathered headdress. I was hunting a large fowl near the main doors of the castle when Justin Finch-Fletchley opened the doors, his body glowing in the morning sunlight.

"Justin Finch-Fletchley!" I screeched with pleasure, scaring my prey away. I descended upon the main doors with a fury I had never before experienced. I lunged at him with fire in my eyes.

"What…I don't…" Justin Finch-Fletchley mumbled.

"Be quiet! I can't talk over you! Start taking your clothes off," I commanded. I tapped my toes in anticipation. He stood there like a fool.

"Can we talk about this? I'm not sure—" Justin Finch-Fletchley began to say.

I rolled my eyes, let loose a feral shriek and tore his clothes off with my teeth. I curled his robes into a tight ball, my fists working with some sort of supernatural haste. I hurled it over my shoulder and began to lick his nose.

It was at this moment that I realized what I had become. Memories of the night before came flooding back. The vodka, the legal pads, the sheet music – the timpani! I gasped and let go of Justin Finch-Fletchley's neck. "This… this isn't right," I muttered, darting away like an animal.

I hid in the forest for hours. I huddled under a tree, shuddering as the moon began to rise in the night. Slowly I made my way to the lake. I bathed myself in its shallow waters, cleansing my body of last night's sweat and this morning's blood.

Suddenly, I gasped. I had missed all of that day's classes.

"Fuck!" I shrieked. I ripped off my headdress and sprinted to the castle. I hurriedly put on some clothes, any clothes, and tried to comb my hair. It was impossibly matted, caked in mud and tequila, like the mane of a lion. I inconspicuously entered my dormitory, surveying the damage of the night before. I didn't even remember going there last night, but my confusion quickly turned to horror.

_Harry and Victoria had become one, their limbs and extremities flailing violently on top of the timpani. In a rare lucid moment, I squealed, "Careful! The drum—" but it was too late. They fell inside of it, not even seeming to notice the damage they had caused. I shrugged and jumped in after them. Smearing Reddi Wip all over myself, I let out a noise of pure animalistic desire. Victoria screeched and accidentally punched me in the face. I liked it._

I backed away from the bed. Did any of it really happen? But as I stared at myself in the mirror, gazing at the bruise that had formed over my left eye, I realized that it was all too real.

I opened the window next to my bed, desperate for fresh air. I struggled to fill my lungs with air, inhaling wildly but producing little result. My eyes widened as I looked down on the trail of ripe pears that littered the grounds of Hogwarts. I tried to remember how exactly I ended up on the Quidditch Field, but I couldn't think of it.

Oh wait. I could.

_Filled with an unquenchable desire, I stared at the full moon from inside the timpani. "This needs to move outside," I hissed. The walls of the broom closet couldn't contain me. The other three agreed and we sprinted down the stairs to the greenhouse. Ron was pushing the timpani, now filled with vodka. Harry was attempting to pleasure Victoria as they ran, but he tripped over himself and face-planted into the vegetable garden. I cackled with insanity, suddenly feeling the full effect of the alcohol._

_ We hastened past the greenhouses and all of a sudden stood in front of the Whomping Willow. "Wouldn't it be exciting to do it in the branches?" Harry asked politely. "What? No," I responded, and kept dashing along. He and Victoria may have stayed behind for a minute or so, but soon they were behind us._

_ The moon had risen ever so slightly. With our senses so heightened, it was easy to be quick, and we barely noticed the bridge underneath our feet as we galloped over it. The four of us had forgotten the timpani at the Willow, soaked with vodka and reeking of expired yogurt. We charged towards the Quidditch Field, our feet wounded by our impossibly quick speed._

_ The four of us stood for a moment on the field, catching our breath. I imagined the stands filled with spectators. Playing to my imaginary audience, I grabbed Ron and shoved him into the mud. "Do me!" I wailed as I fell to the ground. Harry and Victoria wandered over and began to disrobe yet again. The fearsome foursome was about to embark on their most depraved act yet – and I would be the main player._

As each incident played itself back in my mind, I felt myself flush with terror. What had I done? Why had this happened? Why did I listen to anything Harry said? The answers all escaped me.

I calmly walked down the stairs of my dormitory, attempting to perform an appreciative inquiry on the events of last night. But my efforts proved to be fruitless. For me, nothing had gone as planned. Worse still, something deep inside my soul was eating away at me – the vague sense that our doom was approaching. I spied Professor McGonagall in the hallway, her eyes boring a hole into mine.

"Good morning, Miss Granger," she chirped. "Up all night writing my essay?"

"Yes… yes, of course," I chorused, cringing as I realized that it was unfinished, sitting somewhere deep within the maelstrom of sexual intensity that was my dormitory. I walked away, feeling a pang of regret as I took each step. My plan, as it turns out, had failed.


	12. Chapter 11: Harry's POV

_**Chapter XI**_

_**Harry's Point of View**_

Every morning I awake and sit straight up at the crack of dawn and then dance my way over to the mirror to admire my physique. This morning, as the sun filtered through the curtains in my dormitory, I could only slowly stretch my sore limbs. With a groan, I gingerly sat up and placed my feet on the cold floor. I stood, putting a hand on the wall for support as the world spun around me. I grabbed a towel and made my way to the bathroom, keeping a hand on the wall the whole way to support myself.

In the bathroom I grabbed hold of the sink and lifted my head, gazing hesitantly into the mirror, preparing myself for the worst. But what I saw was pleasing. I flashed a brilliant smile, letting the light catch my teeth and sparkle. I truly am the world's most beautiful creature. The bruises that had been left by eagerly sucking mouths and the scratch marks on my back left by hands clinging to me in pleasure only made me more beautiful.

After a very pleasant, long, luxurious shower, I wrapped a towel around my waist and stepped bravely back out into the hall. I do this every morning, as a favor to all the ladies. Most of them will never have the privilege of having sex with me (although I do try to make sure everyone gets a little), so the least I can do is let them look.

It was at that moment that I realized what I had been doing with my life. All the empty and passionate sex had been fun, but I was supposed to be the savior of the wizarding world, I needed to clean up my act. It was then that my eyes fell upon Victoria Mueller. She looked beautiful. Covered in whipped cream and reeking of alcohol, her eyes wide and frightened, like Arjun caught in headlights. I adjusted my towel to hide my embarrassment and flashed her a brilliant smile. Blinded by my beauty, she scurried away like a ROUS. I would catch her later. No! I had just decided to clean up my act; I would have to distance myself from her. It might hurt her, but we all have to make our sacrifices for the greater good. Victoria would have to wait and have sex with me again until Voldemort was dead.

And then I had my second great epiphany of the morning: I was supposed to kill Voldemort, and I had no idea how I should do that. Suddenly, I was filled with teenage angst. I stormed back to my dormitory and dressed, screaming to release some of my anger at the world. Then I stomped through the halls, bellowing the whole way, destroying anything and everything in my path. After about three hasty seconds, I was outside the gargoyles that guard the entrance to Dumbledore's office. "Password?" the stupid creatures asked.

"Open up or I'll Avada Kedavra you stupid motherfuckers!" Upon hearing my polite and eloquent request, the stone beasts parted and allowed me to pass. Grunting with each step I took, I leapt up the stairs two at a time and barged through the doors to Dumbledore's office. He was in there, sitting behind his desk, having a serious adult conversation with Professor McGonagall. "Oh, I'm sorry. I'll come back when you're finished here," I said, quietly removing myself from the room. I turned around and stood in the hallway for five seconds. "Okay! Are you done yet?" I shrieked, flinging the doors open like a wild baboon.

"Uh, well – " began Dumbledore, but I cut him off.

"Good." I shoved Professor McGonagall to the floor and howled in rage. She quickly scampered to her feet and fled the room. "Mm, good," I grunted as I took my seat in front of Dumbledore's desk.

"Thank you for waiting, Harry, that was very considerate of you."

"Whatever, shithead. We have to talk."

"About what, dear boy?"

"Huh? Oh, Voldemort. I want to kill him."

"Oh, Harry, I knew one day you would come to me… asking about your future, your fate, your –"

"Okay, shut up? Yeah. So. I just need the basics."

"What?"

"Teach me!"

That day, I learned to kill. In my hasty state, it came naturally to me. After five minutes, I had mastered the craft. "Harry," Dumbledore called to me, "I think I have discovered what power you have… the power the Dark Lord knows not…"

"Haste?"

"Um… no… I was going to say love, but – "

"Is love the same as sex?" I inquired. For if so, I was certainly powerful.

"Well, you know, no."

"Oh…." I couldn't hide my disappointment. "Well, then what is love?"

"Oh, my dear boy," he wept. "Have you never known love?" My thoughts drifted to a young girl with blonde hair, blue eyes, and ruby read lips.

"I… I'm not sure," I stuttered. I instantly panicked. I realized I had never known emotion beyond lust, hatred and extreme haste, except once.

_I grabbed Victoria's supple waist and lifted her onto the timpani. I heard Hermione call out behind me, but I paid her no attention, I was too busy licking chocolate sauce off Victoria's neck, collarbone, and breasts. Then, I felt the ground move out from beneath us, and we fell into the belly of the drum. In our confusion, trying to regain our bearings, our eyes met. My stomach fluttered in a strange way, and it was not the usual fluttering of all the blood rushing to my penis. Her deep blue eyes, her gentle smile, her face, flushed with excitement… "Victoria, I – "_

"_Outside! Let's take everything outside!" Hermione yowled. With a shy smile, Victoria moved out from under me, I had missed my chance. I glared at Hermione, she had ruined my tender moment with her crazed haste. She was undeterred, "Let's get a move on! These four walls cannot contain me!" _

Maybe that moment with Victoria, maybe that had been love. It had certainly been sex, so maybe the two had more in common than the old toad thought they did. As my thoughts drifted back to the present, I realized he had been croaking my name. "Harry? Huh? What? Harry?"

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IN HIS TOMB. WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Oh, just thought I should let you know… you have a massive erection."

"Huh. Oh. Good." I could not be troubled by the judgmental musing of an old toad, I had to find the girl I loved and ask her to… help me out with my current problem. I started to walk out of the office, when the warted-one called me back.

"Harry, there is something more you must know. Your destiny –"

"Shut up, we're done here."

"No, I must tell you. There are these things called Horcruxes –"

"Do I look like I care?"

"No, you look aroused, but please try and pay attention. Voldemort split his soul in seven pieces –"

"Not interested right now."

"So before you can kill him –"

"Oh, wait, what? Now I _am_ interested. Speak to me, old toad."

"Oh, you finally want to listen! Alright, so h – "

"BORING!"

"… I'm confused, my dear child. Tell me your innermost thoughts."

"I'm having a _hard _time thinking right now… There's no blood flow to my brain…"

"Well, this will be difficult. I would advise you to come back once you have relieved yourself. Shall we meet tomorrow at noon?"

"_Noon_. Mmmm."

"No. Stop doing that. All right, 11:30 then. Don't be late." I ran from the office, I had to find Victoria. She would be in Transfiguration class.

I flung open the door. Professor McGonagall screamed. "Potter! What… oh God…" I flung her to the floor again, grabbed Victoria by the nape of her neck and left the room.

"Harry… what…"

"Don't speak."

I placed my index finger over her lips and pressed my hips against hers. She screeched with deep satisfaction and dove into my mouth with unbridled fury.

We made love. In the middle of the hall. During passing time. Even the ringing of the bells could not be heard over Victoria's "noises." We explored territory previously uncharted in our bed. It seemed to last for hours – in fact, it did. As we finished, the sun was setting over the horizon.

—

The next day, I awakened at the crack of dawn and sat bolt up right in my bed to welcome the morning. To my surprise, I did not find myself alone – Victoria Mueller was grinding her teeth in her sleep at my side. Her breath smelled of peach Chobani yogurt: sweet, but with a slight tang to it. Her lips glistened with Chapstick. I grunted and made my way to the shower for my daily … routine. As I slunk out of bed, Victoria briefly awakened – or so it seemed. She moaned softly a couple of times and appeared to open her eyes.

"Ron? Hermione?" she croaked as she turned her head. She met my puzzled gaze and whispered, "Oh, okay," and once more rested her head on the pillow.

"Victoria? Are you okay?"

"What? No, I'm not crying," she replied.

"It sounds like you're crying."

"Huh? Wha—okay…"

Confused by her womanish ways, I continued walking to the bathroom, and for the first time in my life, I overanalyzed a relationship.

Did Victoria regret what we had done? I certainly didn't. In my haste, had I gone too far, crossed a line that could not be uncrossed? Did she feel the same way I did? Had she really been crying? Had I hurt her feelings? What had I done wrong? Should I ask her, or would she tell me when the time was right? Did she like Ron? Is that why she whispered his name? Or maybe she liked Hermione? Was she a lesbian – 'cause that's hot? But wait, I thought she was into me?

I shook my head and literally cleared my thoughts away. I entered the shower as if nothing had happened and began once again to massage myself.

When I got back to the bedroom, Victoria was gone. The soft imprint of her body was left in her mattress, the pillow, and her scent lingered on the sheets. A gum wrapper lay on the bedside table – in her haste, she had forgotten to brush her teeth. Why would she have left? She must not feel the same about me. Maybe she thought last night, passing time, all of it had been a mistake. I realized then that I could not defeat Voldemort without her by my side. I hastily dressed and ran out of the dormitory, determined to find Victoria and ask her to marry me.

I burst into her Transfiguration class, just as Professor McGonagall was passing out pincushions. "Dear God Potter, what is it –" I shoved her to the floor yet again, and dragged Victoria out of her seat into the hallway.

"Harry? Is everything alright?" Victoria interrogated me.

"Victoria, I cannot wait to tell you what I have to tell you."

"Okay… what is it? What's going on?"

"DON'T INTERRUPT. RUDE."

"…"

"Uh, right. So. I was just wondering if, like, maybe, sometime, like in the near future, you would want to, like, get married. To me."

Victoria's face turned beet red. "What? Why are you asking me this? How am I supposed to respond to that?" Her face turned to the classroom, longingly gazing at the other students' assignments.

"Victoria, ever since the moment I first saw you, I knew we would have a long and prosperous future together. Your beautiful blue eyes, your long silky golden locks, your ruby red lips moistened with Chapstick – you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. And all that matters to me is outward beauty. Our children would be _beautiful_. But I have come to realize that you have inner beauty as well. Dumbledore told me that I must be the one to kill Voldemort. And I cannot do it alone. I need the one I love by my side. I am the chosen one, and I have chosen you. So you respond, Victoria, by saying 'yes'."

Victoria was speechless for a second before whispering, "I think that would be irresponsible." Her eyes brimming with tears, she left me kneeling in the hallway.

I wailed in desolation. "Victoria!" I screeched after her. "The fate of the wizarding world rests in your soft, supple hands!"

"Can we talk about this later?" she shrieked from inside the classroom. "And also, my mother _cannot_ find out about this. What would she think?" Her head popped out from the door as she said this last sentence, her face a deep purple with a tinge of green.

"Victoria, you are an orphan."

"Oh. Right. Well…" she trailed off and closed the door behind her as she left me once again.

I banged on the door and cried. Suddenly the door opened. Thinking it was my love, I began to grovel at her feet. Instead, I received a sharp kick in the chin from Professor McGonagall.

"Potter, if I encounter your unfortunate self one more time this week, you will be receiving a detention."

"So, should I, like, not come to class?"

"Wait, you're in my class? You haven't come once. Well, that's it. Detention, Potter, tonight at 7:00. Don't be late."

I dreaded detention that night. Thinking it would just be myself and Professor McGonagall, I armed myself with my wand, a quill, and some condoms – you never know what will happen. I thrust the door open and penetrated the room. "He llegado," I declared…

…and found myself meeting the scornful gaze of Draco Malfoy. He rolled his eyes and turned around, trying to complete his required inches of sentences.

"Potter, you will write 'I will not come to Transfiguration with an erection' 500 times," McGonagall ordered. This caught Draco's attention, and he turned around with interest.

"Don't act like you're not impressed," I snarked, and sat down to get my quill out.

Draco continued to stare at me. So, as seductively as I could, retrieved my quill from my sack, wet the end with my tongue, dipped it in ink, and began to write my sentences. Each time, I whispered "erection" with a fervor I had seldom mustered.

He raised his eyebrows and quivered in his seat. He began to scoot closer to me, coming nearer each time he heard my ardent whispers.

"Oh, God – no, stop," McGongall bellowed as she realized what was happening.

I stood, revealing a massive erection.

"WAIT, WHAT?" she screamed and ran from the room.

"Excellent," I whispered. I quickly closed the door and moved the desk in front of it. I turned around to find Draco still sitting in his chair. "Shh… do not be afraid," I said, and disrobed.

"I hate when people say 'shh' – it reminds me of being in the womb," Draco replied.

"Huh? Wait, what? That's disgusting," I commented before shaking my head. I could not get distracted. I moved toward him slowly and began to lick my lips with my tongue. "So, are you going to take your clothes off or what?" I snarled.

Draco shrugged, nodded, and tore his clothes off in one fell swoop. I never knew he was so elegant. I gave a grunt of approval and slithered towards him like a basilisk. He hissed and slowly knelt on the floor. I sized him up and grunted once more. This would be an experience I would savor – I would have to control my newfound haste.

As I made my way over to his form on the floor, Victoria burst in with a tray of empanadas.

"WHAT IS THIS?" she shrieked as the tray went flying. Her face turned hotter than a thousand burning suns. "I… I trusted you! A proposal of marriage this afternoon and now… this?"

"Uh… this isn't what it looks like," I stuttered as Draco rolled his eyes and began to clothe himself.

"Oh, I think it's _exactly_ what it looks like," Victoria retorted. "Well, Harry, now I feel a lot better. I made these empanadas as an 'I'm sorry' gift... you see, my mother once told me, the way to a man's heart is with food."

"Wait… you knew your mother?"

"Well, no," she said. "But that's probably something she would have said. She would be wise, like me. Anyway, the point is… I've been seeing someone else. It's Hermione. When you asked me to marry you this morning, I couldn't say yes. I mean… we're not exclusive. Are we? Because I've definitely been seeing other people."

"Uh… what… wait… you… and Hermione?... But, like… I mean… no, wait… huh, what… um… erm… pues…" My musings from that morning had been confirmed. In over analyzing our relationship I had found great truth. No wonder women do it so much! I would certainly make it a habit.

"Do you have anything to say to me before I leave?" She said in quiet tones as she stared deep in to my eyes.

"You, me, Hermione, my bed, 8 o'clock? I'll bring the tequila, you bring the pie cream."

"No…" she said, a trace of regret in her voice. "You see, Harry, that's the other thing I came to tell you: I'm a born-again virgin. I'm waiting until marriage to have sex."

"HUH? WHAT? I ACTUALLY CANNOT COMPUTE WHAT YOU JUST SAID TO ME?"

"Oh, Harry, you make me sad."

As she retreated, I felt Draco's hand on my shoulder. "I… I just thought you should know that I've waited for this moment for years. And now I'm really disappointed. I think I'll go kill myself."

"Uh… well…"

"Unless… sometime later? Soon?"

"Um… about that… I think I have to go…"

I walked away and saw his face fall. I couldn't help myself. I turned back around and said, "Listen. Draco, dear friend and lover. You have to understand… I proposed marriage to Victoria this morning in a fit of haste. Also, I may have been slightly drunk. Once I patch things up with her, maybe we can meet again. But it would have to be in secret – you do understand. She is the love of my life. And I will never love you like I love her. But… I cannot deny my attraction to you. Being with you would be good therapy for my angsty self. I must admit, at times when I've been slighted by the world, I've imagined what it would be like to be with you. In my heart of hearts, I'm disappointed too, mostly because the empanadas were ruined –but also because I, too, was looking forward to our union. I will promise you, if you can promise me, one day we will be together. Peace. K, thanks, bye." With that, I hurried out of the room to find Victoria and to convince her that this "born-again virgin" stuff was total and complete bullshit.

"I'll wait for you," he whispered into my ear. The hot breath seemed to burn my skin. I recoiled and, swishing my cloak around me, stormed from the room. I was disgusted. Obviously I had only said those things to keep Draco from killing himself, and hopefully I would never have to lay eyes on his miserable form again. Perhaps if he were even halfway good-looking I would have considered it, but no, he was hideous. And tiny. What had I been thinking? I really need to stop drinking…


	13. Chapter 12: Ron's POV

_**Chapter XII**_

_**Ron's Point of View**_

Her sweet, cream-white hand ran up my thigh as she pushed her plush lips into my neck. I wrapped my arms harder around her body and brought my tongue to her cheek, tracing a little pattern in the remaining pie cream. Just as I was bringing my lips to hers, she pushed me away and said, "I just realized- I forgot to bring my Crumple-Horned Snorkracks!"

"Erm… don't worry about it, Luna." She shrugged and pushed herself against me again, taking a firm hold of my left buttock with one hand and running the other up my spine. How did I get into this position—both metaphorically and literally? Well, the story is slightly complicated…

Harry and I sat in the Gryffindor Common room working on some rolls of parchment for Defense Against the Dark Arts. As neither of us had been paying attention in class, we were at a bit of an impasse. "Where is Hermione when you need her? Or for that matter, Victoria?" Harry wondered bitterly as he threw down his quill and rubbed his face vigorously with his hands. "I have better things I could be doing right now."

"You know, it might be a good change for you to do something constructive for a while instead of—erm—other things. You're barely getting by in classes."

Harry turned to look at me, a slight frown taking over his face. "You know what your talk reeks of? Jealousy. You're just jealous that I get more offers than you."

"You're mental!"

"No, I can tell you with a great deal of certainty that I am not. You're the one with the problem here, not me." He grinned smugly at me and crossed his arms over his chest.

I stared at Harry, practically shaking with anger. "Fine, let's settle this. I have an idea." I looked around to make sure we were alone and saw no one else in the common room. "Let's make a wager. I bet you that you can't sleep with more girls than I can in… a span of one week."

Harry's frown twisted into a smirk of amusement as he considered my plan. "Wait," he said, "is it 'girls' or 'people?'" I looked at him in confusion. "Er, 'people,' I guess. Why?"

"No reason." His smirk grew broader and he shook my hand heartily. "All right, it's a bet. What's the wager, though?"

I frowned. "Erm…" The first thing that came to mind would be the winner making the loser do their class work for them, but I wouldn't trust Harry to get mine done if I won. Then, I thought of it. "How about, the winner gets free use of our dorm whenever they want for a month."

Harry grinned. "Sounds good, mate. May the best man win, yeah?" He slapped me on the back and then gathered up his parchment and went upstairs to our dorm room. When I saw as he walked away that he already had a massive erection, I knew I had my work cut out for me, and decided to start that night. I rolled up my parchment, stuck it in the pocket of my robes, and walked quietly out of the common room into a deserted hallway. I saw that I still had a couple of hours until bedtime, so I walked casually around, looking for any familiar girls.

Who should round the corner but Luna Lovegood! She saw me and smiled dreamily. "Hello, Ron. Out for a nighttime stroll?"

"Yeah, as a matter of fact. Can I join you?" She nodded and we started down an abandoned corridor. I realized I had to act quickly so I whirled around and backed her into the wall. "So," I said, putting my lips to her ear and bringing my hand up to tame a stray lock of her hair, "tell me more about these—Wrackspots I've been hearing you talk about. I'm very interested…" I could feel her shiver under the soft blow of my breath on her cheek.

"Wrackspurts?" she murmured, "Well, they fly into your ear and… make your brain go fuzzy." She looked deep into my eyes, sucking in a labored breath.

"Oh, do they? Well, allow me to be your Wrackspurt…" I stuck my tongue in her ear and fondled her inner thigh. She groaned loudly and I silenced it with a deep kiss. Soon, she passionately grabbed the back of my head and wrapped her thigh around my leg. I broke away from our snogging and moved my lips to her neck, kissing a trail down to her collarbone.

"Let's go somewhere a little more suitable for our needs…" she whispered and, taking my hand, set out in a run. We turned the first corner we came to and soon made it to the Room of Requirement. At the center of the room was a gigantic bed covered in silk sheets and a downy comforter. Anyway, it's pretty easy to figure out what came next.

The next day was just as, if not more, eventful. I forced myself to suck it up and shag Lavender Brown, although I could have boxed her ears for calling me "Won-Won" so many times. Following her was Romilda Vane, who was almost animal-like in the sack:

_She tore at my shirt with her teeth and spat the piece of cloth onto the sheets. Climbing on top of me, she gave a feral shriek and brought her lips to my neck, clawing at my chest with her ruby-red nails, freshly polished. "Yes…yes…YES!" she groaned loudly as we moved up and down faster and faster. "Bloody hell…" I whispered softly._

I was just returning to the common room from a rendezvous with Padma Patil when I heard some soft giggling coming from one of the plush red chairs. After whispering, "Homenum revelio" I could see through the chair none other than Harry and Ginny, snogging as if you-know-who was about to murder them! Fuming, I charged over and screamed, "Oh, now you've really done it. Too far, Harry!" They looked up in shock and slight guilt when they saw who had caught them. Before either Harry or Ginny could respond, I stomped up to our dorm and slammed the door shut with a force as powerful as a thousand burning suns.


	14. Chapter 13: Victoria's POV

Chapter XIII

_**Victoria's Point of View**_

"Not there!" I shrieked, "Do you have any idea what you're doing?"

"I've never done this before…" said Dean Thomas, apologetically.

"Ugh. Get your hand off of me!" I said as I pulled his hand up from my chamber of secrets. I took a deep breath and realized that, like flesh-eating slugs slowly devouring a pumpkin patch, haste had begun to consume me. This year at Hogwarts had taught me not only magic; it had also taught me to be insufferable, so very full of haste that the only person I hadn't alienated was Harry, whose own haste cushioned him from the haste of others. "I can't go on like this!" I said to a whimpering Dean, whose little auror was no longer standing to attention. "Something has to change!' I got up and headed for the stairs, determined to visit Snape in his dark, damp lair to find a solution for my grevious problem.

"Wait, Victoria!" shouted Dean.

"What?" I screeched.

"…You're naked." He said, trembling.

"I have bigger problems," I huffed, and burst down the stairs, oblivious to the stares of the second years huddled in the commons. Racing through the corridors, I finally found myself in the dark, long tunnel that extended to the potions classrooms. Torches on the walls pulsed with powerful flame and the damp, warm stones of the floor lay supine against my feet as I soldiered forward, gasping with determination, heaving and naked, towards Snape's office.

I didn't knock: this was too urgent. "Snape!" I cried, as I flung open his door, "I need a potion!"

"What sort of potion, my dear?" He cocked his eyebrow as he looked up at me, and slowly stood up and walked towards his large, spacious cauldron. "I can stir up just about anything you… desire."

"I need to cure my haste. I fear it's consuming me, and frankly, it's making it harder for me to get laid," I said.

"Grab the eye of newt," he said, sliding off his robes, revealing a black spandex leotard underneath.

I grabbed the eye of newt, the powdered unicorn horn, the feather of a bogbeast, the antenna of a blast-ended skrewt, and as we stirred, heaving our bodies to and fro above the bubbling water of the cauldron, I began to sweat, feeling great beads of salty liquid running down my neck, my spine, my buttocks, my thigh, dripping to the ground. "We're just missing one ingredient," said Snape.

"Which one?" I asked, as sweat dripped down my chest, my stomach, to my forbidden forest.

"Me," he said as he stepped towards me, placing his dry lips to my moist ones. I ripped off his leotard and ran my fingers through his greasy hair, pulling his saggy body towards me. As he squeezed my buttocks, I began to kiss his neck, his chest, his stomach, traveling downwards until I reaches his manliness. As I began to work my magic, he moaned like the bloody baron on his nightly patrol; primal, mournful, passionate. With one last spasm, he collapsed upon the ground and I spit into the cauldron, stirring one last time as it turned a bright magenta. "It's ready," he whispered.

I drank the potion in one large drought, and with an orgasmic shudder I felt it pierce my soul with the heat of a thousand burning suns. I ran triumphantly up the tunnels to the main hall, sweat drying with every leap. Suddenly, I collided with a red head, a gangly body, a fine wand, and I passed out.

When I woke up I was entangled with Ron, unconscious and yet still furious. I took my hand and stroked his head, softly kissed him on the cheek and then the lips, whispered into his ear, "Wake up, Ronny-Poo." He began to murmur and stir, and eventually opened his eyes.

"What the bloody hell just happened?" he said, stroking the growing lump on his head. Suddenly, he sat up, "Harry and Ginny did it!" he sobbed into my shoulder, "it's just a contest, Harry shouldn't have gone that far!"

"There, there," I said, patting his shoulder, "there's no need for haste. Who are you to stand in the way of love?"

"But she's my sister!" he shouted.

"But it's love, Ron! Glorious, beautiful, orgasmic love!" I smiled ear to ear as I said the word. Love. Love. I just needed more love in my life, I thought. "I know just what you need," I said, taking his hand.

I helped him up, and led him slowly to the quidditch pitch, my fingers wrapped in his, comforting him as we went. "You want to get back at Harry?" I asked, smiling and beaming my inner peace out to the world.

"Yes. How dare he mess with the Weasley family!" cried Ron.

I smiled in my wily way and led him up to the top of the commentary booth, overlooking all of the quidditch pitch. "Magnificus sorus!" I said as I pointed my wand at the speaker system normally used for the commentary during a heated quidditch game. "Now, for that revenge…" I kissed him passionately, letting my tongue enter his mouth and squirm like a rabid flobberworm, as he reciprocated, running his hands up and down my already naked body. As he kissed my breasts I raised his shirt off of him and began undoing his pants, pulling them off them with what wasn't, but could be easily confused for, haste. He picked me up and laid me flat on a bench, but before he could fit himself inside of me I pulled him down and clambered on top, "I'll take it from here". As he penetrated my hippogriff's lair I began to gyrate on top of him, moving my hands up and down his furry red chest. He grabbed my butt cheeks, pulling me hard with each thrust. With his legs clenched and his eyes rolling with ecstasy he began to moan and shout, screaming my name again and again. As we finally climaxed, he pulled me down towards him, kissing me roughly, drooling quite a bit, though I didn't mind.

When we finished, we walked to the edge of the booth and looked out. The sound had carried far; students faces filled the windows of the castle in our direction, the astronomy students had their telescopes pointed towards us, the divination students were trying to use their crystal balls for a closer glance, even the mermaids from the Black Lake were frothing up the waters as they popped their heads above the surface.

"He knows now, doesn't he?" asked Ron, putting his arms around me.

"Everyone does," I said with a smile. We heard a sound on the stairs and suddenly saw Professor McGonagall's head appear, as hasty as I had once been.

"Five points from Gryffindor!"


	15. Chapter 14: Hermione's POV

_**Chapter XIV**_

_**Hermione's Point of View**_

For the third morning in a row, I woke up in a daze. Suddenly, I felt a curious sensation underneath my body. I lifted my face up from the… marble?

I found myself on a moving staircase, somewhere in the East Wing. My head throbbed in an increasingly familiar fashion. My hips, my legs, my back – each part sorer than the last. My eyelids fluttered until I finally wrenched them open. With a deep sigh, I sat upright against the railing, waiting for the staircase to reach its destination.

I tried to remember how I got there. Who had I been with? What had we done? The answers escaped me. The staircase finally stopped and I wandered up the steps.

The entrance to Gryffindor was directly in front of me. With a weary smile, I approached the door, realizing my answers were not far away from me.

"Excuse me…" I began.

"What is it?" the Fat Lady snapped.

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. "I'm not exactly sure what I did last night, and I know that the portraits see a lot… like, a _lot_…"

The Fat Lady held a finger up to silence me. "Cheap peppermint schnapps," she whispered.

I groaned a deep, guttural groan. I don't know how I could have been so stupid. Harry and Ron's stupid competition had escalated dramatically within a matter of hours. They started out small – Romilda, Lavender and the like – but it didn't take them long to draw me into their web of sexual exploits. I had some idea of what was going on, but it wasn't until two evenings ago, when Ron walked up to me with a particularly devious leer on his face.

If only I'd had the good sense to walk away.

_He took my hand and dragged me to the restricted section of the library. He raised his eyebrows as he peered around every corner. Nobody was around. It was 11:15 – students were supposed to be in bed._

_Not… not with each other, though._

"_Ron, wait," I begged. "There's just one book I want to check on."_

"_Are you fucking serious?" He screamed at me, looking very aroused and distraught. _

"_Well, I think you'll like it. You see… it's just this little book here." I reached seductively for a high shelf, quickly finding the book I had wanted. I paged through it feverishly until I found the page I wanted. I gasped and Ron peered over my shoulder. "That," I said. "That is what I want to do with you."_

"_I don't know, Hermione. That looks…"_

"_Fantastic?"_

_He looked eager to try it out. But as his eagerness increased, mine waned. The Incident had taken place less than 48 hours ago, and I was looking forward to at least one restful night to myself._

"_You know, now that I think about it—" I began, but it was too late. Ron had already disrobed and was stalking his way towards me. "I'm just… really, really sore. You know, from last time –" Ron looked proud " – with Harry." His smiled faded. _

"_What?"_

"_Um, yeah, you know, like, half an hour ago."_

"_WHAT?"_

"_Yeah, and when it was over, he said something about having to go and have sex with some other girl… It was so confusing."_

"_WHAT?"_

"_Yeah, he was really hasty about it, and now I'm really sore. So, can we like, not do this now?"_

"_WHAT?"_

"_I just… uh, some other night, okay?"_

Little did I know that this exchange would inspire Ron to buy some cheap peppermint schnapps and slip them into my morning coffee. I didn't even realize what was going on until I found myself in the Divination Room… a cracked crystal ball on one side, a shattered mug full of tea leaves on the other, a table underneath us. My eyes widened. I not only remembered how I'd gotten there, but how intense my tryst with Harry was, not a few hours before.

_He charged at me with a rare sort of hunger – the kind that stops you in your tracks. I froze in the middle of the hallway, the other students dispersing quietly to their next classes."You, me, the pumpkin patch, NOW," he bellowed. Confused and reluctant, I wandered down there after him._

"_What is this about?" I asked, fearful for what would happen next. "It looks like it's going to rain. Shouldn't we go to class? " I tried to come up with more excuses, but my mind was blank. I stopped. My eyes slowly trailed down to beneath his waist. "Harry… now? After what happened yesterday…" I paused and started to walk away._

_I felt his hand on my shoulder. I turned around slowly, making sure one of my tears fell on his fingers. "I'll comfort you," he whispered. He took a swig from a bottle of wine after uncorking it with his teeth. I sighed, chugged the rest of the bottle, and let him have it._

_Between the dirt in my face and the haste with which it occurred, I figured this romp was nothing more than a part of some competition between the two of them. As it turns out, I was right. There was no passion that afternoon, no spark. I dreaded the moment when Ron approached me to even the score._

It didn't seem to mean anything anymore, the way the four of us exchanged partners in bed. But if it helped relieve tension before the battle with Voldemort, so be it. Still, if there was a way for us to entertain ourselves without having Professor Trelawney stumble in drunk while Ron was on top of me… well, that would be nice, too.


	16. Chapter 15: Harry's POV

_**Chapter XV**_

_**Harry's Point of View**_

I stormed up the stairs of the dormitory, massaging my massive erection and thinking. So, Ron thought he could get more action in a week than the world's most beautiful creature? We'd see about that. Oh, we'd see about that. I approached my bedside table, and, in my haste to open the draw, it ripped it right out of the table. I screamed in rage and grabbed my special piece of parchment out of its dusty depths. "I solemnly swear I am thoroughly aroused," I whispered and tapped the parchment with my wand. Slowly, words began to spread over the worn paper. I giggled in delight. This was my list. _The_ list. The list anyone who was anyone wanted to be on. The list of all the people I would like to fuck. A good portion of the names had checks by them, but a few lucky people were still on my "to do" list. I smirked as my eyes alight on the first unchecked name: Romilda Vane. Oh yes, Romilda had wanted me for years.

I found her in the corridor outside the charms classroom. She was looking at an essay that had just been turned back and seemed upset… vulnerable. Excellent. Running a hand through my hair, I approached her, pretending to be slightly nervous and genuinely concerned. "Are you alright?" I asked quietly. She spun around to face me, a lone tear trickling down her cheek.

"O-oh," she choked out. "Yes, I'm, I'm fine. It's silly really, I – "

"What is it?" I asked softly, reaching out to gently wipe the tear from her flushed cheeks.

"I got an A- on this essay! I'm just… just _devastated_." And she dissolved into tears. Something in Romilda reminded me of Victoria, my fiancée, but I couldn't place it, so I shrugged it off. I placed a finger under her chin and lifted her gaze to meet mine.

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I didn't even get a grade for that essay. Professor Flitwick just wrote 'TROLL' on the top of the page and gave it back to me." I glanced away, pretending to be embarrassed. "I'm so stupid… maybe you should tutor me?" I questioned, meeting her gaze again. She smiled through her tears.

"Oh, Harry, you're not stupid. TROLL means you got top marks! Maybe you should tutor me…" She smiled seductively up at me. I pretended to be taken aback.

"Well, I, uh, you know, yeah, I mean, I guess I could tutor you or something like that."

"Something like that, yeah. You know, you're adorable when you're flustered," she said as she snaked her arms around my neck. Cautiously, I leaned forward so our foreheads touched.

"You think so?"

"Mhm," she smiled, her eyes fluttering closed. Suddenly, I was on the ground with Romilda on top of me. She gave me a questioning glance, but I had dropped my shy, adorable, Harry act – the creature had been unleashed. Romilda noticed, her eyes darkened, and she moved her hands, bright red nails gleaming in the light, to the collar of my shirt. There was a loud ripping noise and I found myself completely naked, my shredded clothes discarded. Romilda pushed herself up onto her knees, examining my body unabashedly. "So, it's true then."

"What?" I asked, bewildered that she had pulled away.

"You are the world's most beautiful man.

"Creature. World's most beautiful creature."

"Oh, no. I am the world's most beautiful creature." I was about to protest when she suddenly ripped open her robes, revealing her naked body. She was beautiful, and my protest stuck in my throat. "Come with me," she said, reaching down an elegant hand to help me up. We ran, _desnudo_, through the castle to the library and headed straight for the restricted section. She grabbed me by the shoulders and slammed me into the bookshelves. She was… so strong. She tangled her fingers in my hair, then took hold and threw me to the ground.

Cackling, she overturned the nearest table and let her hair down. She stared deep into my eyes, and, reluctantly, I stared back into hers. Had I finally met my match? Was Victoria replaceable? I tried to fight these thoughts, but the more we did, the more fearful I became for my future marriage.

I shook my head and told myself to concentrate on the task at hand. If I wanted to prove I was the most beautiful creature, I had to think big. With a lascivious grin, I stood, allowing her to see my erection was so massive, my penis was parallel to the floor. "Well, I can't pretend I'm not impressed…" she drawled as she came towards me, hips swaying. "But… hmm…" She looked me up and down.

I began to get frustrated. I thought this would be an easy get – what was taking so long? "Are we going to do this or what?" The words escaped my lips before I was fully aware of their meaning.

Romilda tilted her head towards me, her eyes narrowing. "Not with _that_ attitude," she spat, and began to search for some clothes.

"Wait, Romilda," I whispered. Unlike my antics before, I was truly showing my vulnerability. "I… just…" I knew what I had to say to get her in bed, but I couldn't get the words out.

She stood with her arms folded, her toes tapping impatiently on the library floor. "Yes?"

I swallowed and fought back tears. "You… are the world's most beautiful creature."

A smile sprang to her lips. With renewed passion, she threw me to the floor and our tryst began. She crawled on top of me, but I quickly flipped us over, taking control. As I ground my hips into hers, she arched her back, titling her head back and giving me easy access to the tender spot just at the base of her neck. She groaned and clawed at my back, leaving long marks with her sharp, red nails.

This was going to be an interesting third period.

After my encounter with Romilda, I limped back to the common room, feeling rather sore, when I stumbled upon an unpleasant sight. Ron. And Cho. She had been my first, and now she and Ron were clinging to the tapestry in the transfiguration corridor, going at it like wild monkeys. I strangled gasp escaped my lips, and they both turned to look at me.

"Harry," Cho said as she tried to cover herself. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, this is a public place, I was just walking. And don't bother trying to hide, Cho. It's nothing I haven't seen before," I commented snidely over my shoulder as I turned and walked down the hall.

"Wait!" She called after me. "I'll always love you! Ron was a mistake!"

"Hey! Watch it!" I heard Ron call out behind me, but I did not look back. Cho Chang had played with my heart for the last time.

Upon entering the common room, my eyes rested on a much more pleasant sight: Ginny, warming herself by the fire. I decided to act fast before Ron could intervene. Without explanation, I grabbed her and dragged her to the couch and pinned her under me.

"Oh, Harry, I didn't know you felt the same way," she breathed.

"What? Yeah, sure, whatever," I replied as I ripped open her blouse.

"I LOVE YOU. HARRY!" She screamed as she climaxed, shuddering beneath me.

"Wait, what? I barely touched you!" I exclaimed, looking down at her in disbelief.

"You have such beautiful eyes, " she drawled.

"I know. But you… what?" With each exclamation, I became more perplexed.

"Harry… I've never felt this way about _anyone_ before," she shouted. "We should have a baby together."

"Wait. WHAT?"

"I feel like I'm ready, and… I just don't trust Victoria…" she whispered.

"Wait. WHAT?"

"You know what I mean. You barely know her. We've… _known_ each other for years," she panted.

"Why are you being like this? I mean, like… so aroused. And… we haven't talked in years… I mean… what? I don't…. you…. Saying things to me…. Don't make sense… brain, overloaded… does not compute… can't… WHAT?"

Ginny rolled her eyes. "You know what? You deserve each other. I'll wait for someone who gives a shit about romance." She put her clothes back on and walked away, disgusted.

"I'm a romantic! I am! I just don't like _you_!" I screamed after her.

Ginny stopped in her tracks. "You monster!" she screeched, and dove in for a kiss. I tried to push her away.

"Ginny… no… this isn't…." Finally I shoved her off me. "I'M A GOOD, NORMAL PERSON," I screamed. "WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME?"

"There's something about Victoria," Ginny murmured. "Ever since we met her… last week… you've been acting so strange."

"You're right. Maybe… maybe I should just – "

" – Stay away from her? Be with me?"

"What? No, that's not what I was thinking at all. I was thinking I might be gay, actually. Malfoy – "

"SHUT UP!" She screeched and planted another kiss on my unwilling lips. Suddnely, she pulled away.

"Thank Merlin," I whispered under my breath.

"Ron?" Ginny asked, sounding slightly terrified. My head snapped up too and I saw my best mate standing in the portrait hole, mouth open, a look of pure horror on his face.

"Oh. Well, shit," I muttered. I got up and ran, trying to get out of the reach of Ron's wand before he could pull it together and hex me. I needed a stiff drink and a long, hot bath.

I slid into the bath with a sigh, setting my glasses on the edge with a faint _click_. My muscles ached from all the rampant sex, but the warmth of the bathwater worked its way under my skin and I felt my muscles slowly unknot and relax.

After a moment of staring at the shadows under the water I dove down, hardly taking a breath, wanting to feel as light-headed as possible. I reached the base of the bath and held myself in a sitting position with the jagged edge of a tile. I stayed there, the water still and blissfully silent around me, for as long as I could hold my breath, then I pushed myself off the ground, gasping as my head broke the surface.

At first, I didn't realize that there was anybody else in the room, but then I heard the sound of fabric falling to the ground, and Draco Malfoy, slipped around the corner; completely naked, and very, very beautiful.

He started a little at the sight of my watching him, and then a slow smile spread across his face. "Hello, Potter," said Malfoy, now grinning widely as he stepped into the bath. I felt heat pool in the bottom of my stomach and had to look away, extremely grateful for the thin layer of bubbles across the water's surface.

"What...what are you doing?" I asked, afraid of what might come next after the incident in detention.

"What does it look like, Potter? I'm having a bath. Scrubbing up. Getting rid of the day's dirt. Just chilling out. Same as you."

"Exactly! While I'm right here!" I cried, attempting to make Malfoy understand the gravity of the situation.

"What?" Draco laughed. "You think I'll take advantage of you? I mean, I could, Potter. After all, you do have a magnificent body, there is no denying it. And, hey. I've never even seen you completely naked. Which I must say is a mighty shame."

I shook my head, wide eyed. "Not here, not now, I – "

"You know, Potter, it was slightly shoddy planning on your part to leave the door unlocked. After all, anybody could have walked in, and then, who knows what might have happened?" He leaned into me and pushed his long fingers into my hair, holding me in place.

The kiss was surprisingly soft, and when Malfoy drew my lower lip into his mouth, sucking gently, I couldn't stop myself from whispering the other boy's name into his mouth. He smiled against my lips, and said softly, "You continue to surprise me, Potter. It's really rather endearing. And… I would dearly love it if you permitted me to touch you. It has been a wish that I have held close to my heart, for many, many months, and I would appreciate it if you let me. Really I would."

"Bloody hell!" I exclaimed as I felt Draco's soft hands sliding into the water and over my thighs. I moaned and Draco's hands moved again in response. Draco pushed me up against the wall of the bath and kissed me ferociously as he wrapped his shining legs around my waist. The blonde pressed himself into me, moaning against my mouth and then began to rock gently against me, the unbearable pressure making me draw in a shaky breath as my heart raced.

I closed his eyes, completely overwhelmed, and when I could open them again, Draco was still staring at me thoughtfully, rocking against me so that he became gradually harder.

He licked his lips wistfully, drawing his lower lip into his mouth and sucking it contemplatively. I pushed myself upwards and gasped noiselessly as Draco adjusted his hips, drawing them both closer together.

"Get up," Draco whispered.

"What?"

"Get up…edge…want…quickly…"

I struggled up onto the edge of the bath, moaning lightly as my bath warmed skin touched the cold tiles. Draco grinned, breathing heavily, and pulled himself up.

He pushed me down carefully, so that my feet still dangled in the water, and my back was on the tiles, and then he kissed me again. I gasped as Draco's fingers ran up my thighs, stopping inches away from the base of my legs. Malfoy slowly climbed over my body, letting as much of his skin touch mine as was possible, then straddled my waist as his tongue slid into my mouth and his hands roamed down my chest.

I pushed Draco up until he was settled comfortably on my thighs, before putting my mouth to Draco's chest. I let my tongue flick out and Draco rocked himself back and forth, moaning delightedly as I tasted Draco with my eyes closed. Malfoy threaded his fingers through my hair, pressing himself harder against me and groaning blissfully as he pressed my hot mouth to his wet chest.

There was hardly any hesitation from me when Draco shimmied down my body and said, "Don't make a sound," and, breathing hard and fast, he took me fully into his mouth; in such a professional way that I thought he must have done it before. Any coherent thought was blasted immediately from my mind after that.

I pulled Draco up my body, enjoying in the warmth of his skin against mine, and kissed him thoroughly, twining my fingers in Draco's hair and moaning his name onto his tongue.

After a few minutes of silence broken only by heavy panting and the occasional exclamation as someone bit someone else, I performed a rather commendable feat of gymnastics and pinned Draco to the floor.

"Ooh," said Draco, watching me with considerable interest as I shimmied down between Draco's knees. "Oh," said Draco, and he sounded very pleased.

Suddenly, the door banged open. Both of our heads snapped up in horror. It was Ronald Weasley. "GOOD MERLIN, WHY?" He screeched. "ALRIGHT, YOU WIN! I FOLD! IT'S OVER, PLEASE!"

"Mm, good," I grunted as I climbed off Draco and began to search for my bathrobe.

Hands over his eyes, Ron stumbled back out into the hall, still asking, "WHY?"

"Harry?" I looked behind me at Malfoy, still naked and wet on the bathroom floor. I tightened the tie on my robe and took in his mournful expression. "Was this some sort of… bet?"

"Oh, um…"

"You… I mean… I thought this was…"

"I'm sorry," I muttered, and ran out of the room, and straight into Professor McGonagall.

"Oh, Potter," she called.

"Not now, Professor," I quipped and kept running.

"Professor Dumbledore needs to see you."

"Mm."

"Oh, and Potter, I think this may be the first time I've seen you all term without an erection. Congratulation!" I grunted in disapproval, shifting my bulky robe to reveal that I did, in fact, have a massive erection. "OH GOD. NEVER MIND." I sighed and continued my slow and stately walk to the Headmaster's office.


	17. Chapter 16: Ron's POV

_**Chapter XVI**_

_**Ron's Point of View**_

I sat in the common room in front of the blazing fire, contemplating the horrifying act I had just witnessed. I knew Harry tended to take things too far, but this little competition had gone further than I ever could have imagined. Practically the entire house of Gryffindor considered Draco Malfoy to be our greatest enemy besides you-know-who. At least... that's what I had believed. I was about to go and find Harry to ask what drove him towards committing such an unspeakable act when Hermione sat down next to me.  
>"Ron, we need to talk." I looked up at her slowly, bracing myself for the unimaginably hasty Hermione of late, but saw instead the calm, reasonable Hermione I had grown to love. Considerably relieved, I queried, "What about?"<br>"This year has gone in a very different direction than I had been expecting. Our relationship has been affected very strongly by certain people and I..." I watched her hopefully until the door to the common room burst open with a force stronger than a thousand burning suns. Harry stared at us, his impeccably styled hair wild and his eyes red from rubbing. "The battle..." he groaned. "The final battle is tomorrow."  
>"WHAT?" Hermione shrieked and ran over to him, shaking him by the shoulders. "You CANNOT be serious!"<br>"Dumbledore just told me." He sank onto the couch next to me where Hermione had just been sitting. "Tell me what we can do, mate," I said grimly placing my hand on his shoulder. "We'll do whatever we can to help. Of course, we'll fight beside you."  
>"We had so much training to do!" Hermione began pacing back and forth across the room. "I thought we would have all year. I only just started writing the training regiment. I was going to reform Dumbledore's Army... I had the Room of Requirement booked for 4 months solid..."<br>"Oh, shut UP." Harry shook my hand off his shoulder and stood up hastily. "I have to go to battle against my mortal enemy tomorrow. Your little training regiment holds absolutely no import to me whatsoever. Everyone, focus on me. As the Chosen One, my needs are more important than yours." I rolled my eyes as I saw his erection return, as massive as ever.  
>"I have been mentally preparing for this battle for months now-"<br>"What about the battle?" Victoria had walked in unnoticed.  
>Harry replied, "Oh, it's tomorrow. Anyway, like I was saying, these past months, I've – "<br>Victoria let out a piercing shriek and ran over to Harry, throwing her arms around him. "No, it can't be tomorrow! We've only just gotten to know each other!" She wildly grasped the back of his head and began kissing him forcefully. I groaned as I saw Harry's gleeful reaction and turned away as he started to unbutton her blouse. "I'm out of here," I said and started up toward the dormitory when I felt a warm hand slip into my own. I turned around and met Hermione's piercing green eyes. She smiled and brought her hand up my arm and onto my neck, bringing my head down to hers and meeting in a deep kiss. I enthusiastically pulled her closer to me, wrapping my arms around her and forcing my tongue farther into her mouth. She gave me all her weight and I carried her into my room and placed her delicately on my bed.  
>I crawled on top of her, pulling off her unbuttoned trousers as she unhooked her bra. Her hands found their way back to my neck and pulled my head down to meet hers once more. I moved my lips to her neck, kissing a trail from the base of her jawbone to just above her breasts. She pulled my knickers down and I kicked them off my ankles onto the floor. I penetrated and we began moving up and down in sync, her groans growing louder and louder as our grip on each other tightened. Off in the common room, I heard the crack of a chair splitting in two and a delighted scream in response.<p>

The next morning , I awoke to gentle rays of sun pushing through the curtains. I sat up and rubbed my eyes, feeling as though something important was happening today that I was forgetting. Hermione's voice served as a reminder.

"THE BATTLE! IT'S TODAY!" We looked at each other in horror and flung ourselves out of bed, pulling on yesterday's clothes and pounding down the stairs in panic. On the floor of the common room, Harry and Victoria were sleeping peacefully in each others' arms.

"HARRY. WAKE UP THIS INSTANT." Hermione walked over to Harry and shook him violently awake. He looked up at Hermione in disgust.

"What do you think you're doing in the boys' dormitories?" He looked around for support from Dean, Seamus, or Neville when he realized where he was. "Oh, SHIT." He stood up, completely naked and revealing yet another massive erection. "Dumbledore and McGonagall wanted me to meet with them at 7 to go over logistics. What time is it?"

Hermione looked at her watch. "It's nearly 7:30! Harry, we've got to move, now!" I roughly shook Victoria awake and pulled her to her feet, commanding her to get dressed. Fully clothed, the four of us sprinted out of the common room and over to Dumbledore's office. "OPEN UP, FREAK!" Harry shrieked at the gargoyle blocking our way. The staircase started it's twisty way up to the office and we clambered on. We followed Harry into the office where an unhappy Dumbledore and a furious McGonagall greeted us.

"Oh, SAVE IT!" Harry bellowed. "Tell me how to beat Voldemort. NOW."


	18. Chapter 17: Harry's POV

_**Chapter XVII**_

_**Harry's POV**_

Victoria suddenly shrieked and convulsed. Gasping for air, she grabbed onto the front on my robe. "Harry..." she rasped. "I just remembered. Oh, this is awful. I _never_ forget things - well, except choir lessons. I had it written down in my planner to tell you the second I saw you, but it must have just... slipped my mind. Oh, this is _so_ bad. I can't believe I forgot!"

"JUST BLOODY SPIT IT OUT!" Ron screamed - he's been under a lot of stress lately.

"Oh, um, well, I don't really know how to put this..." Victoria continued, tears filling her blue eyes.

"Dear child, perhaps you could _show_ us?" Dumbledore asked wisely from behind his desk.

"Mm, okay. I mean, I did train to become and star of the stage and screen in England." She them proceeded to attempt to act out... something. The terrible thing, whatever it was. I honestly have no idea what she was trying to do.

"Uh, okay..." Hermione mused. "You're, uh... farming yams! That's it! Oh, Victoria, that's very sweet of you, but we don't have time to bake a yam casserole right now."

"No!" Victoria yowled. She started over, making a strange motion like an antelope trapped in a Muggle dishwasher over and over and over again.

"I DON'T HAVE TIME TO PLAY FUCKING CHARADES!" Dumbledore bellowed. This proclamation was followed be a complete silence, into which he spoke, "I simply meant, dear girl, that perhaps you would be so kind as to remove the memory from your mind so that we all might view it in my Pensieve." The old man smiled sweetly.

In horror, we all gathered around the stone basin and watched the thing that Victoria could not speak of unfold.

[Voldemort's POV from the Pensieve...]

I am the world's most beautiful creature. Harry Potter is an ugly little toad. How a glorious creature like Veronica Miller ever came to be his is a mystery to me. I had been plotting his destruction for months, but when I found out about the two of them… well, it all seemed to come together. Sin embargo, the utilization of her… finer qualities would appear to be a challenge. Our meeting was brief, but magical… she made more of an impression on me than any human had before. I wanted on.

We met at the Three Broomsticks—I had arranged to have an owl sent to her window the night before. I planned to show up before her, appear prolific with my butterbeer and my dark, shadowy profile, but she had come early, running her hands through her hair anxiously and sipping daintily at a firewhiskey, which she promptly spilled down her front upon seeing me. I composed myself and approached her cautiously, waiting for her brilliantly blue eyes to meet my own. What I saw in those blue depths made my heart beat for the first time in years.

"So... how are you?" she began her stilted attempt at small talk.

"...Do you know who I am?" I asked, leaning in and sending a short, stank shot of air out of my nose slits.

She grimaced. "Um... no. Should I?"

"Wait, for real? WHAT THE FUCK?" I screamed, unleashing a powerful wave of dark magic.

The girl backed away. "Um, so, what are you here for? Not to be rude, but... I have things to do..."

"Well. I'll make this brief: you, Veronica Miller, are quite singularly endowed to take on a herculean task, a task of wit and charm and strength... a task which will pit your luscious body against the conscience of a hero... are you up for it?"

"Wait... that's not my name. But, sure. Why not?"

"YOU STUPID, IGNORANT SLUT." This girl was surely dafter than I could ever have imagined.

We both took a few seconds to process the turn this conversation had taken.

"Alright. I... I take that back," I backtracked. "That was not intended to be a factual statement. Let's start over."

"Okay!" she beamed, "I'm Victoria Mueller, and I'm sexually frustrated!"

"Pleased to meet you, Veronica. My name is Lord Voldemort, and I am the most powerful dark sorcerer who ever lived."

"MY. NAME. IS. Victoria. But anyway, are you sure you're pronouncing your own name correctly? Maybe it's vol-de-mor, you know, French?

It became very difficult to not shriek at the top of my lungs. "Listen. You stick to your name, I'll stick to mine, Victoria. Anyway. You may be wondering why I approached you."

"Well... weird stuff like this happens to me all the time. You should meet my friends. But anyways, what do you want me to do? I do speech well, and I eat yogurt like a pro."

I realized that my plan would have to take an altogether different path than I had anticipated. I had been told I would be meeting a smart, sexy young woman. Clearly, I had been mistaken. Smart and sexy she may have been, but awkward beyond hope she most certainly was as well. I was unsure if I would be able to use her in my evil plan, but I most certainly wanted to befriend her - she intrigued me.

I cleared my throat and cracked my neck, my back and all my knuckles at once. "Okay, kid, here's the deal. I'm trying to defeat this little piece of shit named Harry Potter. We've been enemies for years, but I think I can finally crack him. My question is: can you seduce him?" I realized this might have been too much to ask of such an awkward creature.

"...Seduce him? Well, gosh, I've never seduced anyone before! I am the white swan."

"Woah, wait, are you serious?" I stared at her in horror. Who was this creature?

"You know... Black Swan? The ballet movie with Natalie Portman?" she asked.

"NATALIE PORTMAN! OH MY GOD!" Dear reader, I had been nursing a crush beyond belief for years. Of course, I didn't tell her this. I'm just including that for posterity. I composed myself and began to speak once more. "Well, I think you're up to the task."

"The white swan does transform... and stab herself... and die... What exactly must I do to, ahem, 'seduce' him?"

"Did you learn nothing from the scene between Natalie and the ballet instructor?" I shook my head in disbelief. Good fucking lord, it wasn't that hard to understand. "I'm a bald, old, creepy man without a nose, and I still get _plenty_ of action. What can I say, the ladies can't keep their hands off me. Why? BECAUSE I AM THE SWAN QUEEN."

"Okay, well, confession," she mumbled. "I didn't actually see the movie. I just read all these Oscar websites-"

I spat out my firewhiskey. "Okay, that's it, we're done here." I paused. "For now. I'll be sending you owls throughout the next few months. You better learn, sister. Or things are gonna get... difficult."

"Oh, shit 'bout to get real!"

"What?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, it's just... something I learned from my friend, Arjun."

"What?" "You know... well... okay. Sometimes I say things... I'm sorry."

At that I made my dramatic departure, swishing my cape and huffing my nose slits. I looked back as I left the pub, and all I could think as I saw her slim, smiley frame was, "Damn, how does she get no action?"

[back to Harry's POV...]

It was much, much worse than an antelope stuck in a dishwasher. As Arjun would have said, had he been present, shit had just gotten very, very, real.

"MERLIN'S FUCKING BEARD! THIS IS EVEN WORSE THAN HARRY AND MALFOY FUCKING EACH OTHER!" Ron exclaimed. He did not seem very well.

Professor McGonagall looked stricken as well. The two of them exited out the door of the office. I looked around in dismay - the only two sane people I knew had just walked out on me. I surveyed the remains of my once-promising life: Hermione Granger, whose behavior over the past month would become fodder for years of therapy; Professor Dumbledore, whose ancient mind had gone to ruin long ago; and, of course, Victoria Mueller, the girl who had just betrayed me.

I wanted to cry. But I can't make tears. I am not a petite lap giraffe. I had to decide what to do next. Would I make a mad dash for the hills, like a baby monkey riding backwards on a pig? No. I would stay and fight. My beautiful exterior would be damaged, but...

Wait.

"Professor, might I have a word with you?" I asked Dumbledore.

"Hmm? Well, not if it's going to be like last time we talked..." he replied.

"JESUS! THAT WAS ONE TIME!" I exploded. Just then, McGonagall stuck her head into the room.

"For the record, it has been much more than just one time," she commented.

I took the high road and simply punched her in the face.

"So, Professor," I turned back to the old man.

"Harry, I regret to inform you that the battle will take place at any moment."

"Um, excuse you?"

"Death waits for no one, my child. And neither does Voldemort, so, uh..." he made a motion pointing to his wrist.

"Actually, no. Just... no. I mean, COME ON!" He sighed deeply and began to croak out what I assumed was another deep philosophical lesson. Fortunately, I had no time for it. "Okay, so like, I was going to tell you... um, all this haste inside me? I think that might be my power, like for real. So, I think my strategy will just be to out-haste him. What do you think?" I looked to my former mentor, but he was slumped over his desk, dead. What I had thought was going to be a philosophical lesson was actually just him dying of a heart attack. Whatever, death waits for no one, you old toad!

"Oh, oh dear..." Victoria. I had forgotten about her, treacherous bitch.

"YOU," I screamed at her. "YOU ARE THE SOURCE OF MY HASTE. YOU MUST BE AT MY SIDE DURING THE BATTLE."

With tears in her eyes, Victoria met my gaze. "You want me with you?"

"Well, not really... I mean, I'm not sure if I can trust you but I think I need you."

"Harry, you can trust me! I really meant to tell you, I did. And nothing ever came of it, what you saw just now, that's all that ever happened. I really did fall for you... I wasn't just trying to seduce you. In fact, you seduced me. I truly am the white swan. I love you, and I don't want you fighting this war. It's too dangerous. I think we should work out... well, whatever it is we have here. I know I messed up, but I can try to make it up to you. What do you say?"

"I say, talking never solved a damn thing. Violence is the answer. Wait. Do I have that backwards?"

Victoria sighed and shook her head. "Fine, Harry. If it's what you want, I'll help fight Vol-de-mor with you. It's only fair. We just need to find a suitably hasty group of people to help take him on. My anti-haste potion will wear off soon, but I only have so much haste. Who else can we turn to?" A loud and blood-curdling screech echoed from behind me and I turned to see Hermione, naked except for a feathered headdress.

"I WILL GATHER THE ARMY!" She called. And then... she was gone.

I turned to Victoria Mueller. We slowly moved in towards each other. Her eyes closed in anticipation. My erection was reaching its peak-

Then, Ron opened the door.

"Harry!" he cried. "Voldemort is approaching! You have to do something!"

"HOLY FUCKING HELL, DO YOU EVER KNOCK?" Victoria roared. The potion's effects had subsided, my haste queen was back.


	19. Chapter 18: The Final Battle

Harry had known this day would come, yet he found himself woefully unprepared. Ron and Victoria, eyes flickering with new found haste, were looking to him for direction. Unaccustomed to being in such a position, Harry knew he would have to maintain the illusion that he knew what he was doing if they were all going to survive the battle. To do this, he reached deep inside himself and called upon the powers he possessed: his incredible haste and his amazing ability to seduce.

"ALRIGHT THEN, LISTEN UP!" He roared at Victoria and Ron. There was immediate and complete silence. "Ron, how much time do you think we have before Voldemort and his army are upon us?

"Oh, sorry mate, I should have made that more clear: they're here. I guess that would have been helpful to know earlier..." Harry took a deep breath, just barely restraining himself from grabbing Ron by the collar and shaking him senseless.

"JESUS FUCK SHIT!" Harry exclaimed at such a volume, even Dumbledore's corpse seemed disturbed. "Okay then, here's the plan: you two need to find Hermione and the army. Have everyone gather on the front lawn just in front of the castle doors."

"And what about you? What are you going to do?" Victoria asked timidly.

"NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS. NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!" Harry screeched with such ferocity that Victoria peed herself (but just a little).

With that, he stormed out of the room. He would be joining them on the grounds shortly, but first he had to ready himself.

Harry flung open the doors of the castle and surveyed the scene before him. Hermione, Ron and Victoria awaited him with the army. They were outnumbered by Voldemort's forces about ten to one. But no matter. He grabbed Victoria by the arm and dragged her down to the gates with him to meet Voldemort.

"Well, well, well! Look who's here," Voldemort spat as he saw Harry and Victoria approach. Accidentally breathing in a gnat through his nose slits and then gagging silently for a few moments, he resumed, turning to Victoria with a grin, "Are you ready, my pet?"

"Um, uh, no, not really," Victoria stammered. Turning to Harry, she quietly added, "Why is this happening to me?" With a sign, Harry turned back to his arch nemesis:

"Of course I'm here, you dolt. I live here."

"Details, details." Voldemort rolled his eyes at Harry's attitude. "Now, Victoria, I must thank you for surpassing my wildest expectations (and believe me, I didn't expect much): I couldn't have asked for a better secret weapon, a weapon of haste. While you may not have been able to carry out my evil plan, you did prove, on accident of course, to be a lovely distraction for our young hero."

Before Victoria could summon an appropriately hasty response, she heard a familiar cackle over the din of confusion - Bellatrix Lestrange had arrived. "Hi, Harry..." she whispered seductively, reaching through the bars of the gate to run a finger along his bottom lip. Harry uttered a deep, guttural groan and his eyes rolled back in his head.

"Harry!" glared Hermione, "Bellatrix fucking Lestrange?"

Unfortunately, Bellatrix had already lured him into her trap - utterly speechless and unblinking, he walked toward her while slowly disrobing. "You see, Victoria," Voldemort mused, "I knew you couldn't be trusted, so I had a back up plan. Come, let us give them some privacy. You and I need to talk." As Harry walked toward Bellatrix in a trance, Voldemort pulled Victoria aside, putting an arm around her shoulders. "Don't shudder, my dear, I'm not quite as filthy as Snape and I know what you two did yesterday."

Victoria wrenched herself away from Voldemort's grasp, shrieking, "Get off me, you foul grease-monkey!" She turned to the horrific scene playing out before her eyes: Harry and Bellatrix, writhing on the front lawn of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It was enough to make her burst into tears and blow her nose on Voldemort's robes.

_Harry had approached Bella, eager to start the festivities. "So..." he had drawled, "How do you want to do this?"_

_ "Quickly. Just... just fuck me," she responded with a hasty fervor that would have made Victoria proud back in the day. Harry, however, was at a loss. It had been too long since he had attempted an elementary move in bed and he quite honestly had no idea how to proceed. _

_ "I... I'm not sure if I remember how," he admitted, staring confusedly into her piercing black eyes._

_ "It's like riding a bike, Potter, you never forget how."_

_ "But, I never learned how to ride a bike..." _

_ "THAT'S NOT THE POINT!" She screeched. "Just... just get naked." Unnoticed by Harry, she snuck a quick glance over her shoulder at her true lover, Voldemort. She would only have to entertain the disgusting boy until he could finish off Victoria, putting an end to the haste the was Potter's only chance at victory. Things seemed to be going well. _

But then, Harry snapped out of his trance. "YOU!" He roared at Voldemort. "You thought you could distract me with Bellatrix? Well, you were wrong!"

"But... I _did_ distract you with Bellatrix..." Voldemort pointed out, only slightly confused, and still patting a sobbing Victoria on the back.

"NOT SO, OLD SNAKE NOSE!" He screamed in delight. "You see, I have morphed my two powers: by penetrating Bellatrix, I was able to remove all of her haste and transfer it to myself! Now, not only am I more powerful than before, but your weapon of haste is useless!"

"That's it Potter. The last straw. You, me, haste off, now."

"You'll regret this, you old hag," Harry countered.

"You're going to be the only one left with regrets tonight, Potter!"

"No regrets... just love!"

"Wait, what? No. Stop. You're interfering with my haste channels."

"Well, statistically speaking -"

"ENOUGH. YOU IGNORANT SLUT. YOU THINK YOU CAN BEAT ME AT MY OWN GAME? THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU ARE HASTY ENOUGH TO BEAT ME."

"I think you may be underestimating my, uh, unique gifts."

"AND YOU ARE UNDERESTIMATING MINE! DUMBLEDORE TRIED TO WARN YOU, THAT DAY YOU HAD A MASSIVE ERECTION IN HIS OFFICE AND -"

"That was one time!"

"SILENCE! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO COME BACK THE NEXT DAY, BUT YOU NEGLECTED TO DO SO."

"Can you stop shouting? It's not really that hasty anymore, just annoying..."

"Oh, right, um, yes. So, Dumbledore had something important to tell you about the Whore-Cruxes."

"What the fuck is a horcux?"

"No... no... not a horcrux, a Whore-Crux. It's a rare bit of old magic. You see -"

"WAIT. How do you know all this? About Dumbledore and our meeting and whatnot?"

"Oh, I've been watching. Now where was I? Oh, yes, the Whore-Cruxes. You see -"

"WAIT. How... much... have you seen?"

"... Let's just say: there are some things that can't be unseen, and leave it at that," Voldemort shuddered.

Victoria, who had been calming down, burst into a fresh fit of tears at the memories she had shared with Harry the past week. "WHY ME?" She wailed, wiping a copious amount of green snot onto Voldemort's robes. Repulsed, the Dark Lord turned back to Harry.

"You see, a Whore-Crux is an object that holds a bit of my haste. It can be anything I have hastily had sex with."

"Wait, so... you said objects, but we're just talking about people... right?"

"Hm... well, this is where is gets awkward... The answer to your query is a resounding no."

"I don't understand, like, at all."

"Maybe one day, when you're older..."

"I don't think so, actually."

"You might be surprised! Anyway... these Whore-Cruxes. Unless all of then have been destroyed, you can never out-haste me."

With a sly grin, Harry leaned in and subtly asked, "How many Whore-Cruxes are there, and what are they?"

"Well, let me tell you!" Voldemort roared. "There are seven, and they can never be destroyed!

"A timpani tuned to a perfect C;

"Romilda Vane's leopard skin dress;

"A plate of steaming, fresh empanadas, cooked by Victoria herself;

"Professor McGonagall's retinas, which enable her to see all kinds of mischief;

"Draco Malfoy's dignity;

"Victoria Mueller's innocence;

"And last, but certainly not least, DUMBLEDORE HIMSELF!"

"Brilliant, Harry!" Ron cried. "Now that we know what the Whore-Cruxes are, we can find and destroy them!"

"No, Ron! Don't you see?" Harry inquired of his dim friend. "With my incredible powers of haste, I have inadvertently destroyed all seven within the last week!"

"Wait, what?" Voldemort screeched like a hungry bird of prey.

"I DON'T OWE YOU AN EXPLANATION!" Harry roared. "AVADA KEDAVRA!" And Voldemort dropped dead. There was much rejoicing.

"My hero!" Victoria exclaimed.

"So... are we good?" Harry asked.

"Yeah!" Victoria responded. And they lived happily ever after.


	20. Epilogue

_**Epilogue: 18.5 years later**_

Harry slowly awakened and stretched his limbs. Today was Valentine's Day, and the birthday of the love of his life: Victoria Potter. He grunted, realizing that he should probably make her a nice breakfast. Careful not to wake her, he slowly eased away from her and got out of bed.

"PAULILY!" he shrieked. The child had been named for their respective mothers. It was regrettable, yes, but at this point it was irreversible, she answered to nothing else. She walked gracefully out of her room and sauntered over to Harry.

"Yes, Father? What can I do for you?" His spawn asked politely.

"You can make your mother a nice, hot breakfast," he replied.

"Um, no, I don't think so... That's for you to do."

Harry swore under his breath. The girl was just as stubborn as Victoria sometimes. "Well, tell Thackary to make it then!" He was sick and tired of his children's disobedience. They were going to celebrate their mother's birthday, dammit, if it was the last thing they did.

"But, isn't it Mother's birthday?" Paulily interjected helpfully. "I think she would want YOU to make it!" Harry groaned and went into Thackary's room - the child had so been named because the way he looked when he emerged from the womb had reminded Victoria of a dweller by the nook where the reeds for thatching grew. Poor kid got teased for having a lisp, but really he was just saying his name correctly.

"Thacky, it's your mother's birthday! Make her some breakfast. Something with Chobani in it," Harry ordered. The name of the yogurt reminded Harry of their wedding night:

_It was a beautiful summer evening on a secluded island off the coast of Fiji. Though Harry and Victoria were its only inhabitants, their screams of pleasure echoed to far-off Pacific Islands, where villagers would ponder the meaning of the word "some". The hammock they occupied groaned under their combined weight and the added pressure of their vigorous movements. With a sickening crack, the hammock collapsed and they fell on the sand. Already covered in nothing but Peach Chobani, the two of them welcomed the added friction the sand provided. It was then, Harry was almost certain, that their oldest daughter, Macy, had been conceived. They had named her for the old French word for weapon because even before she was born, she had been fierce._

"Dad? Did you hear anything I just said to you?" Thacky was asking.

"Huh? No, and son, you need to enunciate. I can't understand you with that lisp."

Thackary sighed and made his way to the kitchen, where Macy, Paulily and Quintrell stood. "Quintrell, get away from the stove. You're a disaster waiting to happen," Harry snapped at his youngest, a boy of five.

"Whatever, asshole," Quinnie snapped back.

"WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT WORD? IF YOUR MOTHER HEARD YOU SAY THAT, SHE'D KILL US ALL!" The other children nodded in agreement. Of course, Harry was secretly pleased at the haste his youngest son showed, but this was to be kept a secret. For now. He gave his son a pat on the back and an encouraging smile all the same.

There was a knock at the door - the Weasleys had arrived. Things instantly became very, very loud: six children all screaming at once, combined with the clatter in the kitchen as Harry attempted to cook, Ron yelling for everyone to be quiet, and Hermione standing in the middle of the room shrieking at the top of her lungs. She was with child - again. Quintrell was on the stove, in anticipation of the next disaster. It was to this scene that Victoria, still rubbing sleep from her eyes, came down the stairs. Upon noticing her appearance, everyone made more noise.

Everyone ran to her at once, trying to give her individual birthday greetings. Victoria looked astonished; her face had turned the color of a burnt eggplant with embarrassment and she backed away slowly. But Harry had already snuck up behind her and grabbed her in a big birthday hug. Victoria screamed and attempted to gauge out his eyes, she hadn't been expecting that move.

"Well, um, thank you, everyone," Victoria stammered, feebly trying to pour herself a cup of coffee. She gazed upon the eleven faces staring back at her.

"Well, you had damn well better be thankful!" Hermione screeched.

"I wouldn't listen to a thing she says right now... Hormones, you know..." Ron trailed off.

"RONALD WEASLEY! HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST THAT I AM HORMONAL RIGHT NOW! I JUST..." she became very quiet, burst into tears, and stumbled away, delicately taking a seat at the kitchen table between her two children, Ynyr and Yaholo. Ron looked ashamed and walked over to her, putting his hands on his shoulders and giving her a gentle massage. Instantly, the muscles in her face relaxed.

Just then, something on the stove went up in flames and Quinnie screamed with delight. With lightning fast reflexes, Victoria snatched her baby off the stove and out of harm's way. "Mommy..." he said, nuzzling her neck. Victoria felt her heart swell, Quintrell was normally not a very affectionate child. Then, he bit her. Mm, back to normal, she thought as she dropped him to the floor.

Harry nervously looked over at his bride. Times had certainly changed since their fateful semester at Hogwarts. But, in a way, things were just as hasty as ever. He met her gaze, and the two of them stared into each other's eyes. Their marriage was still as brilliant, as hasty, and as passionate, as a thousand burning suns.


End file.
